Author Topic: Does this mean I'm a Scrooge?  (Read 409 times)

Offline HappyBee

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Re: Does this mean I'm a Scrooge?
« Reply #15 on: August 25, 2017, 07:56:38 AM »
Thanks everyone for your replies and ideas. I have noticed that some of the in-laws don't have a lot of respect for me, I think that dwindled away when they realised I wasn't going to give them money (those of them who don't need it).

The thing that was holding me back from telling them frankly that they are out of line is that I care about my husband's feelings, and I know it would hurt him to be at war with his siblings, or if they felt they couldn't visit here any more. From what I see, probably the biggest sin you could commit in this culture is to refuse a family member entry to your home.

However, this has to be balanced with my side of things, which is equally valid, and the fact that if people come here they should respect us and our home. While my husband might be happy to adjust to their annoying ways, I don't feel I should have to. Actually, my husband and I agree on setting boundaries and we both would rather people let us know if they are coming - but our difficulty is how to communicate these things in a way that doesn't cause offense and a family fight.

But I also agree with what some said, in that people will probably still speak badly about me whatever I do. I feel that keeping our immediate family safe and comfortable is the number 1 priority, because whenever we have a problem, nobody seems to be around to help us.

Perhaps the passive ways of dealing with it might help the situation - I have tried pretending I wasn't home, not answering the people who yell out at the gate, and a lot of the time I genuinely didn't hear them - and then I was bad-mouthed because apparently I "never" answer when they yell out to be let in. So I think if they say I never answer them, then I won't in future.

The ideas about just serving simple food, not serving up the fattened chook might help too. I like to be hospitable to people and I do enjoy having people over for dinner (just not for days on end with no warning and great annoyance). However it might have to be dried fish, boiled eggs and rice next time I get a surprise visit. Or fasting! :D

As for the CR issue, I've decided to build a private CR for me and hubby, and if they mess up the public one then they can clean it - I just won't go in there until they're gone.

I feel sad that I have to go to these measures just to get people to understand. I do a lot of adjusting to their culture, it would be nice if they could show a little of the same initiative - observing what upsets me and adjusting their behaviour accordingly, particularly when they are in my home.
^^ Just my personal opinion... take it or leave it!

Offline BudM

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Re: Does this mean I'm a Scrooge?
« Reply #16 on: August 25, 2017, 09:00:04 AM »
So, I guess I committed probably the biggest sin in this culture, in your opinion, by refusing to allow an in-law entry in to my home?  The culprit couple are the only ones who try to milk everyone for what they can get.  The only ones that are the poor ones in the group but they sure have enough pesos to go out to the malls and travel around to a lot of places for being supposedly "so poor".  Good thing they have other sources coming from an OFW and a couple of other sibs who are out of the country because they sure are not getting it from me.  I blew that plan up for them within 6 months after moving here.  And then I put a stop to their constant barraging my wife to get money from her.  Yeah, my wife has money from her business and it is pretty much her's to support the business and extra saving and spending money for her.  But the fact is, they are just trying to get what they can with playing the "poor card" all the time.

Good thing I don't give a crap about if people think it is the biggest sin or not.  If people can't deal with it and if the problem ever resurfaces and turns out to be uncontrollable, there are always other countries that I can pack up and move to and take her if she is going.  She can shut down her business and we will try farther out away from Metro Manila or else hit the road, I mean a plane and got out of town for good.  I am not about to put up with nonsense like that for the rest of my life.  Some others can sit around and suffer with the onslaught if they choose and do nothing about it because they are afraid of hurting feelings.

As it looks right now, I don't have all these problems some of you are moaning and groaning about and I don't plan to have them in the future.  And if anyone thinks that I might not care about my wife's feelings, you are out of your tree.

Whatever floats your boat, have at it.
Whatever floats your boat.

Offline suzukig1

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Re: Does this mean I'm a Scrooge?
« Reply #17 on: August 25, 2017, 10:33:54 AM »
Thanks everyone for your replies and ideas. I have noticed that some of the in-laws don't have a lot of respect for me, I think that dwindled away when they realised I wasn't going to give them money (those of them who don't need it).

The thing that was holding me back from telling them frankly that they are out of line is that I care about my husband's feelings, and I know it would hurt him to be at war with his siblings, or if they felt they couldn't visit here any more. From what I see, probably the biggest sin you could commit in this culture is to refuse a family member entry to your home.

However, this has to be balanced with my side of things, which is equally valid, and the fact that if people come here they should respect us and our home. While my husband might be happy to adjust to their annoying ways, I don't feel I should have to. Actually, my husband and I agree on setting boundaries and we both would rather people let us know if they are coming - but our difficulty is how to communicate these things in a way that doesn't cause offense and a family fight.

But I also agree with what some said, in that people will probably still speak badly about me whatever I do. I feel that keeping our immediate family safe and comfortable is the number 1 priority, because whenever we have a problem, nobody seems to be around to help us.

Perhaps the passive ways of dealing with it might help the situation - I have tried pretending I wasn't home, not answering the people who yell out at the gate, and a lot of the time I genuinely didn't hear them - and then I was bad-mouthed because apparently I "never" answer when they yell out to be let in. So I think if they say I never answer them, then I won't in future.

The ideas about just serving simple food, not serving up the fattened chook might help too. I like to be hospitable to people and I do enjoy having people over for dinner (just not for days on end with no warning and great annoyance). However it might have to be dried fish, boiled eggs and rice next time I get a surprise visit. Or fasting! :D

As for the CR issue, I've decided to build a private CR for me and hubby, and if they mess up the public one then they can clean it - I just won't go in there until they're gone.

I feel sad that I have to go to these measures just to get people to understand. I do a lot of adjusting to their culture, it would be nice if they could show a little of the same initiative - observing what upsets me and adjusting their behaviour accordingly, particularly when they are in my home.

In the PHL it's usually the woman who runs the household and the family unit.  The husband usually does not involve himself with this and that could explain why the situation with the extended family in your house is "out of control" at times (i.e. your husband really won't do anything about it).
« Last Edit: August 25, 2017, 10:41:56 AM by suzukig1 »

Offline M.C.A.

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Re: Does this mean I'm a Scrooge?
« Reply #18 on: August 25, 2017, 11:28:17 AM »
HappyBee when you mentioned those that are poor there's no such thing, they all have money of some sort and they get around very well  just like BudM mentioned in his post, they also have a very large group of friends and other relatives they can rely on for assistance and never ending parties.

Don't wait or hope for change it's best to make friends with people that respect you and that's what it all come down to, here's a link to the Public Holidays and also if you look just below the public holidays you find tabs for regional holidays the in-laws are very clever they make the love fest in conjunction with holidays and Monday is a holiday so basically even though they won't announce they are coming you have a heads up on the longer holidays and can pretty much plan they will show up.  http://www.officeholidays.com/countries/philippines/index.php

We had a whole family show up to our gate this morning, kids and all but this time the gate was locked if not locked they will open it up and walk right in and keep calling, they use the kids mainly to go inside and continue trying to get our attention, the man is a worker and a good worker but he allows his whole family to also come over while he works and of course we have to feed everyone and without out doubt in the world he has to be paid for his work so what a rip off for us and mess to clean, he won't eat eggs and his family is sick of eating eggs... LOL.  This same man had a great job in Manila with a long contract as a plumber but he returned because his wife was fooling around with one of his friends even the kids know the friend's name and acknowledge he's her boyfriend so instead of working in Manila he's now here keeping an eye on his wife (I'll bet she gets away though) no job and they are all hungry he has to become aggressive at finding work, we've had several workers just like him same issues. 
My views would be from someone who lives out in the province close to in-laws on a pension.  Norwegian and French heritage.

 


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