Author Topic: Feel trapped in a relationship?  (Read 1344 times)

Offline lost_in_samoa

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Re: Feel trapped in a relationship?
« Reply #15 on: July 01, 2017, 09:03:21 PM »
money trees growing in the backyard

For the first 5 years we were plagued by an Uncle.  Every opportunity he came by with something useless to sell, a worthless cousin for us to hire, or a "one off" emergency that we just had to cover.

The matter was made more sticky because he was one of the "Elders" in the family.  Uncle Boy was a persistent pain in the ass.

Last time he brought some distant cousin with an investment opportunity.  Yamashita's last undiscovered vault.  The map was a Xerox copy of a Xerox copy of a kindergarten homework assignment.  They even brought a ancient, broken metal detector and a divining rod, (they called it the "German Stick"), as proof of their professional ability and sincerity.

Ester and I could not stand it.  We burst out laughing so hard I soiled myself a little.  20 minutes later we were both breathless and they were gone.

We still see Uncle Boy from time to time.  And howl with laughter every time.  You got to enjoy the small things in life.

Offline Art, just a re(tired) Fil-Am

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Re: Feel trapped in a relationship?
« Reply #16 on: July 02, 2017, 03:02:09 AM »
For the first 5 years we were plagued by an Uncle.  Every opportunity he came by with something useless to sell, a worthless cousin for us to hire, or a "one off" emergency that we just had to cover.

The matter was made more sticky because he was one of the "Elders" in the family.  Uncle Boy was a persistent pain in the ass.

Last time he brought some distant cousin with an investment opportunity.  Yamashita's last undiscovered vault.  The map was a Xerox copy of a Xerox copy of a kindergarten homework assignment.  They even brought a ancient, broken metal detector and a divining rod, (they called it the "German Stick"), as proof of their professional ability and sincerity.
It sure looks like that there are a lot of members on here feeling trapped in their relationships with their spouse and extended families.
We've been there and went through all that, but after 2 yrs just by moving far away and moving into a gated community from the troublesome extended families, did we find some peace and quiet.
We still have the occasional money requests, but that's simply resolved by s simple 'NO" answer. Recently the other day, the only money I loaned out was to my wife's sister who's husband needed P10,000 to open a bank account and didn't have any money to open one. The reason was that the husband will come into some money for the discovery of Japanese treasure of gold bars while exploring some caves for a mining company he works for I won't say where. The mining company and Philippine government has finally settled the distribution of the Japanese treasure found though it's not the Yamashita treasure, the stach of gold bars was a considerable amount where the 6 finders including my wife's brother-in-law who works for the mining company in their area will collect a 1 percent finder's fee of the treasure that was awarded to them. How much? I don't know, mums the word for obvious reasons!
Now it's payback time, because they owe me about P800,000 in unpaid loans over the years and they promise to pay me back next week, but the saying goes though, "to see is to believe" until it's in my hands.   
"Life is what we all make it to be"!
"It's always a matter of money"!
"Do on to others as they would do on to You, but do it first"!
"Different strokes for different folks"!
"Que Sera Sera"!

Offline HappyBee

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Re: Feel trapped in a relationship?
« Reply #17 on: July 06, 2017, 05:50:53 PM »
they owe me about P800,000 in unpaid loans over the years and they promise to pay me back next week, but the saying goes though, "to see is to believe" until it's in my hands.

Wow, you have been really generous. My plan is to use unpaid loans as a reason why I won't give a loan again. "You still haven't paid me back since last time, so the answer now is no".

For me, I try to work out what is a genuine need versus a want. I also check out the way these people are living (what their house looks like, whether or not they bother working and so on), to gauge whether they really are poor or just not wanting to have to work. Those who really are poor and are unable to work are worth sowing into. But "uncle Juan" down the road who is always just following his latest dreamed up scheme rather than actually putting an effort in, is just wasting my time and money.

Where possible, I try to think of income sources which I can give the person rather than just cash (which is usually used up within a couple of days on a whole heap of food or a big party). Good choices are a native pig, if the person has a little bit of land, because they can be fed on sweet potatoes, cassava and other home-grown foods rather than expensive feeds. Also chooks which they can raise and resell, or goats which they can breed up and only need to move to a grassy shaded area every day.
^^ Just my personal opinion... take it or leave it!

Offline iamjames

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Re: Feel trapped in a relationship?
« Reply #18 on: July 08, 2017, 05:30:31 PM »
The stress is far worse for a Filipina GF or wife. Because she is with a foreigner EVERY pinoy she knows will expect money. It is easy for us to say no - but not as easy for the Filipina. My GF has gone home for a few days for the first time in three years. She has braced herself for the deluge of begging requests from relatives and neighbours so she has decided to spend her time in the house rather than going out.

Offline M.C.A.

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Re: Feel trapped in a relationship?
« Reply #19 on: July 08, 2017, 06:54:14 PM »
IamJames if this happens then make things even easier on the spouse and run out of money, its that simple, if the giver is under stress to give the provider will be under stress for such gratuitous wasted actions, but when the budgeted money is gone it gets them thinking, yes they will get mad... oh well, their lack of will to face in-laws or friends is a burden on our wallet and it's all fake love anyway, best way to narrow down who really cares about us and our wife.

I've had to point out the users to my wife because she can't figure it out sadly for me.  Example on of my wife's friends who is older would call my wife mommy that's a huge sign of misplaced respect because it's always about the money, everything here is about the money, I brought this out to my wife and she got the point, also people that are always overanxious to talk with us and help out... it's gonna cost and it gets old.
My views would be from someone who lives out in the province close to in-laws on a pension.  Norwegian and French heritage.

Offline bigrod

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Re: Feel trapped in a relationship?
« Reply #20 on: July 08, 2017, 07:39:18 PM »
The stress is far worse for a Filipina GF or wife. Because she is with a foreigner EVERY pinoy she knows will expect money. It is easy for us to say no - but not as easy for the Filipina. My GF has gone home for a few days for the first time in three years. She has braced herself for the deluge of begging requests from relatives and neighbours so she has decided to spend her time in the house rather than going out.

Actually I disagree with what you said.  My wife has learned to say no even to family, even when I might give in and give something. We have been together for 7 years and married for 3 years this coming Aug.  We had the conversation when I first arrived that I was here to take care and support her not family etc.  Yes there have been times to help the family when a legitimate need has arrived, her father's death, the family jeepney needing repair, etc. Most instances we have been repaid over time.  Yes I have a sister-in-law that tries to play her younger sister, but the younger sister just tells her we have bills and no extra pisos.  Bottom line is you have to have a partner that has the fortitude to understand you and them come first. JMHO

Chuck
Life is  to short not to live it right the first time

Offline lost_in_samoa

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Re: Feel trapped in a relationship?
« Reply #21 on: July 08, 2017, 08:00:35 PM »
The stress is far worse for a Filipina GF or wife. Because she is with a foreigner EVERY pinoy she knows will expect money. It is easy for us to say no - but not as easy for the Filipina.

I disagree also.  I don't know about your family, but in mine our bond goes WAY beyond race or culture. 

Ester and I have our 23rd anniversary this month.  For that entire time she has been the cement that holds our house together.

She is disturbed more by people not doing for themselves, than she is by  those seeking help.

That was true in the States, Samoa, just as it is here.

Hope this helps.


Offline HappyBee

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Re: Feel trapped in a relationship?
« Reply #22 on: July 08, 2017, 09:36:27 PM »
The stress is far worse for a Filipina GF or wife. Because she is with a foreigner EVERY pinoy she knows will expect money. It is easy for us to say no - but not as easy for the Filipina. My GF has gone home for a few days for the first time in three years. She has braced herself for the deluge of begging requests from relatives and neighbours so she has decided to spend her time in the house rather than going out.

I understand it could be very stressful to be the Filipino spouse... I guess that's what comes with being blessed (in a lot of cases) with a better lifestyle than many of their peers and family members.

However, we foreigners are not used to being asked for money (at least at first), and in many of our cultures it is quite rude to do so. Also I find it actually difficult to say no, even though I have to say no a lot otherwise I would run out of money. I feel bad because I want to help people, but if I gave money to everyone who asked it would eventually run out.

We foreigners also sometimes get pressure from our spouses to give to family... and sometimes our in-laws badmouth us to others, making us look like an ogre because we "won't help" or are "koreput (stingy)" and that can result in lost relationships, insults, and loss of good reputation. It can even cause arguments between spouses because of misunderstanding.

I wouldn't say it's harder or easier for either side. The money issue in the Philippines is just hard for everyone full-stop.

^^ Just my personal opinion... take it or leave it!

Offline lost_in_samoa

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Re: Feel trapped in a relationship?
« Reply #23 on: July 09, 2017, 06:10:11 AM »
get pressure from our spouses to give to family...

We went through this decades ago.  My solution was to talk with the immediate family about it.  At the end of that "summit",  Ester and I "gifted" the finest quality welding set up we could.  And two tri-cycles.  One time events to empower our branch of the clan.

They taught themselves how to weld, started a fairly successful metal-working shop, and learned how to manage business affairs.

Over the years we have done that a number of times.  But only after the petitioner demonstrates CONSIDERABLE ability and commitment.  For those who did not there were a lot recriminations.

Most recent example.  We run very old laptop equipment.  Use open-source free ware to drive it.  I upgraded our systems this last month.  I loaded our old systems with a large collection of how-to books and videos.  And a couple of educational suites for the kids.  We gave those out yesterday.

The give vs teach a man to fish discussion.




Offline M.C.A.

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Re: Feel trapped in a relationship?
« Reply #24 on: July 09, 2017, 04:41:27 PM »

We foreigners also sometimes get pressure from our spouses to give to family... and sometimes our in-laws badmouth us to others, making us look like an ogre because we "won't help" or are "koreput (stingy)" and that can result in lost relationships, insults, and loss of good reputation. It can even cause arguments between spouses because of misunderstanding.


HappyBee you're not stingy but that's the pity game and you're no ogre you are a caring person and they prey on us and no matter how much you've done for some in-laws they'll always bad mouth you, believe me they have money, no matter how poor it seems they get by with a little help from their friends, neighbors and their network is much larger than ours, don't forget many receive government and barangay help and you'd be surprised at how well they can travel around and hit the parties and celebrations, when you break the bonds of the fowl mouth bad talkers you'll see them shove their purchases, cell phones and motorcycles in your face.
My views would be from someone who lives out in the province close to in-laws on a pension.  Norwegian and French heritage.

Offline medic3500

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Re: Feel trapped in a relationship?
« Reply #25 on: July 10, 2017, 10:09:04 AM »
I am kuriput I worked hard for many years for what little I have to survive on in retirement. I'll be damned if I'm giving away money I know will never be repaid. I don't care if feelings get hurt. Fortunately my Asawa feels pretty much the same way as I do as she was OFW for several years and saw how the family bled her dry while they sat around playing tongit, drinking gin and beer. I don't feel trapped in the relationship as much as I feel trapped by my government trying to milk every penny than can from what I worked for.

Offline HappyBee

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Re: Feel trapped in a relationship?
« Reply #26 on: July 28, 2017, 11:24:59 AM »
HappyBee you're not stingy but that's the pity game and you're no ogre you are a caring person and they prey on us and no matter how much you've done for some in-laws they'll always bad mouth you, believe me they have money, no matter how poor it seems they get by with a little help from their friends, neighbors and their network is much larger than ours, don't forget many receive government and barangay help and you'd be surprised at how well they can travel around and hit the parties and celebrations, when you break the bonds of the fowl mouth bad talkers you'll see them shove their purchases, cell phones and motorcycles in your face.

I am amazed at how many people who live on dirt floors and tumble-down houses still have smart phones and brand new motorbikes.
Think it shows how easily people can get credit here, even if they don't have a job... and the number of confiscated bikes shows it should never have been given in the first place.
^^ Just my personal opinion... take it or leave it!

Offline JoeLP

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Re: Feel trapped in a relationship?
« Reply #27 on: July 28, 2017, 11:51:27 AM »
My inlaws use to just come and take stuff.  They wouldn't ask because even Tina would tell them no and had not problem with it. 

Funny thing is, they never asked for money.  Ever.  Her family is highly situated in our area with political connections as well as high level political jobs.  Most have businesses like Tina's sisters or are teachers or something that at least locally are considered high paying jobs.  So asking for money and then calling us kuripot when we said no would be embarrass themselves if they went around badmouthing us.

But, for a time, stuff would just disappear out of our house and Tina would defend her sisters...until stuff SHE valued started to disappear and reappear in her family's house.  Then that came to and end after she did a room by room search for stuff that was ours. 

But Tina has some cousins who she always gave money to and still does.  Not a lot.  Maybe 10-20 php a week as they come by with their hand out and such.  Just a little to help them through the day.  Her parents cousins who are all up in age that had no retirement and Tina gives them just a little each for spending money and such.  But the immediate family gets nothing and really haven't asked for anything...in money.
In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king.

 


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