Living In The Philippines Forum

Just Having Fun => Jokes => Topic started by: Braddo on October 10, 2009, 08:35:27 AM

Title: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: Braddo on October 10, 2009, 08:35:27 AM
* Your refrigerator is always full but you cannot find any food that
you recognize

* Instead of a dowry, you got the whole bill for the wedding and honeymoon

* Most of the decorations in your house are made of wicker

* You are expected to be able to read her mind just by watching her
eyebrows move up and down and which way her lips are pointed

* All her relatives think your name is Joe

* The instant you are married you have 3000 new close relatives that
you can\'t tell apart

* Your house isn\'t really on fire, but there is a very charred fish
right on top of the stove burner

* All the desserts are sticky and all the snacks are salty...

* She eats her fruit with giant salt crystals and her fried chicken
with ketchup

* Even the ketchup tastes weird... very weird

* You throw a party and everyone is fighting to chop the leathery skin
off a dead pig

* All your kids have 4-5 middle names

* Your in-laws take 10 years to acknowledge your existence and to call
you by something other than \"that white guy\"

* You try to call her up on the phone and someone tells you \"for a
while\" and you want to know \"for a while, what??\"

* You are trying to go to sleep and she keeps asking for the
comFORT\'r, and you ain\'t got a clue what she\'s talking about

* Your first Christmas present is some funny looking baggy see-thru
shirt made out of leftover lace doilies

* Your phone bills are all international and average 3 hours per call

* She sweeps with something that witches usually fly around on

* Her idea of classy, expensive champagne is Asti Spumante

* The rice cooker is on 24 hours a day and uses up 50% of your
electric and food budget

* On your first trip to the Philippines, you have 18 giant boxes that
weigh 1000 pounds each and your \"carry on\" luggage requires a small
forklift truck

* The same luggage is over filled with things that cost an average of
15 cents each like old magazines and M&Ms -- the worst part is when
you get off the plane, the same stuff you\'ve been hauling around half
way around the world is available in every store in the airport for
half the price!

* All her pajamas look like they were worn by the Dalai Lama until
they got too faded

* The first time she\'s pregnant you have to go out at 4:00 in the
morning looking for some weird type of greasy sausages

* You buy a new _500 freezer so she can store 200 pounds of SPAM that
was on sale

* Everything in your house was bought on sale, even if you don\'t need
it ..as long as it was a \"bargain\" is all that matters

* She gets really excited by sucking the fat out of pig knees

* Your daughter gets her ears pierced when she\'s 2 minutes old but
your sons are not circumcised until they turn 21

* All your postage bills instantly double

* You hire a Ya-Ya because your wife thinks you clean mirrors with
soap and a sponge and the Ya-Ya seems cheaper than a divorce

* The only \"white meat\" she likes is You, and that\'s if you\'re lucky

* Her favorite sauce is called \"patis,\" Americans call it turpentine

* She actually thinks that bowling and golf and billiards are real
sports and are more important than baseball and football

* You were married 5 years before she explained to you that \"ARAY!\"
doesn\'t mean \"ooh, baby!\"

* She prefers bistek to beef steak

* Her idea of new upholstery is rinsing the bagoong stains out of the
slip covers

* She can eat and talk at the same time, in fact that\'s her specialty!

* She thinks that the American National Anthem is The Macarena

* Her favorite meal is leftovers, her favorite fancy dessert is Jello
mold and for something REALLY romantic, she\'ll offer you a halo-halo
with 2 straws

* You still don\'t know what\'s the difference between manong and manok

* She and the kids are always saying \"Daddy made utot\" and you still
don\'t know what it means but they think it\'s pretty funny

* Other than eyebrow raising and lip puckering, her next most
expressive form of communication is grunts and pssst\'s

* She goes to the movies just for the AC

* Her homeland has more Megamalls than islands

* Before every holiday and visit, her sisters fax you a 10 page
\"bilins\" list which says \"suggestion only\"

* Your kitchen table has a merry-go-round in the middle

* All the vegetables she buys at the Filipino store look like they
were grown at Chernobyl

* Your in-law\'s first visit last 6 years

* Her friends are named Chinky, Girlie, Boy and Bimbo and you are not
allowed to smirk

* Her home economics course only taught shopping, eating and siesta;
cooking, cleaning and sewing were not electives

* Her idea of edifying reading is gossip magazines

* All your place settings has the silverware backwards and there are
no knives

* She washes her hair with a bucket and her car with a broom

* Her favorite book (she has 3 copies) is \"1001 New Recipes for Pig
Parts You Were Gunna Throw Out\"

* You are the only family in a 200 mile radius with 2 Betamaxes, 3
televisions

* She\'s done her best job planning a surprise party for you if she
manages not to tell you about it until a week or two before

* She \"cleans\" her closet by throwing all the crap into your closet

* AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST: You are pretty proud of yourself because
you think you snagged up for yourself some unique, rare, tropical
goddess type until you go to the Philippines and can\'t tell her apart
from anyone else in the whole country (unless she\'s taller than 5\'1\",
then it\'s a bit easier)

All Meant In Fun  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Braddo
Title: Re: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: don/dez on October 11, 2009, 01:43:36 AM
Very Goooood!!! ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: dylanaz on October 11, 2009, 09:17:25 AM
Thats some funny stuff Joe !

Quote
* Her favorite sauce is called \"patis,\" Americans call it turpentine

Its gotta be French !
As in the frenchman was eating one day and asked whats in the sauce...
When he was told its juiced fish guts he probably spit it out and with a french accent spitting makes a sound like \"pleur\" but he sneezed at the same time producing the sound \"pa-teur\"

Which locals translated into \"Pa-Tis\"

 ;D

It tastes good thou with a little vinegar and soy sauce... but I can never eat it again now that I know what it is... hehh
Title: Re: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: maricel on January 09, 2010, 03:40:15 AM
ROTFL!!! :D :D :D Very funny!
Title: Re: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: yeochief on January 09, 2010, 10:00:58 PM
The education I\'m getting on here.  lol
Title: Re: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: Alohalani on October 07, 2010, 10:10:22 AM
Very Funny!  My husband got a kick out of this one.  (He loves Jeff Foxworthy\'s You know you\'re a redneck when...)
Title: Re: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: RUFUS on October 07, 2010, 11:52:40 PM
Here\'s one...

You go to the bathroom during a a football game, only to come out and find she has turned off the game and on the magic sing >:( >:( >:(
Title: Re: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: Pinay327 on October 20, 2010, 03:47:54 AM
LMAO. Good one!  ;D
Title: Re: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: Lee2 on July 19, 2016, 11:59:36 PM
Great topic Braddo, gave me many laughs, sorry I did not see it sooner.

Hope you are doing well my friend....
Title: Re: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: RDS284 on July 20, 2016, 07:46:03 AM
Awesome. Very well done. That is very funny. :) :)
Title: Re: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: Art, just a re(tired) Fil-Am on July 20, 2016, 07:53:57 AM
Pretty old post, Oct 10, 2009. I don't think any of those members will be replying anytime soon.  ???
Title: Re: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: Lee2 on July 20, 2016, 08:29:58 AM
Art you are forgetting the fact that a number of older members have recently come back, thus I hope Braddo and others come back if nothing else just to say that they are okay, anyone know how to contact Braddo or any of the others, I would just like to know that they are okay, after meeting Braddo and his wife in person years ago in Cebu City, nice people, it would be nice to know how they are.
Title: Re: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: M.C.A. on July 20, 2016, 02:40:08 PM
Not a bad rant, for sure someone who is married to a Filipina.
Title: Re: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: Danson L. on July 21, 2016, 08:20:48 AM
When you go fishing with your Filipino wife and she eats all the BAIT
Title: Re: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: Jimmy on July 21, 2016, 03:12:28 PM
Made me lol and smile a Bit of thruth on that posts for sure..haha right Joes>>>>
Title: Re: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: bigpearl on July 21, 2016, 04:27:22 PM
When you want to have steak and veg or bangers (sausages) and mash and are frowned upon because there is no rice.
Danson L. I'm not going fishing with you.

Cheer, Steve
Title: Re: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: iamjames on July 21, 2016, 10:38:59 PM
We badly need a "LIKE" button here. Some of these posts are classic.
Title: Re: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: Hestecrefter on July 25, 2016, 03:07:54 AM
A few more:

You keep a tabo in your bathroom.

You know a meal isn’t a meal unless there’s rice.

There’s always Spam, Vienna sausages, corned beef and sardines in your kitchen cabinets.

You know what the “chocolate sauce” in dinuguan is actually made of.

You have a Western Union "Preferred Customer" card.

You’ve ridden in a tricycle that doesn’t need pedaling.

Goldilocks is more than a fairy tale character to you.
Title: Re: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: TonyandJelma on July 27, 2016, 05:38:12 AM
Your wife has some green menthol smelling liquid that seems to cure everything including cancer.
Title: Re: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: Gray Wolf on July 28, 2016, 05:12:50 AM
You purchase some delicious, sweet, ripe mangoes at the palengke, and when you sit down to eat them, someone has spread disgustingly foul, rotted fermented baby shrimp roe in rotted fermented fish sauce on your sliced mango "for more good taste".

All meat products are made with 20 kilos of refined sugar, and they think you're weird because you won't eat it (even when you've been a known diabetic for over 10 years).

Not a single meat cutter exists in the Philippines. Everyone uses a large meat cleaver and chops everything into indistinguishable chunks full of shattered bones.

Title: Re: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: JD on July 28, 2016, 09:39:33 PM
Not a single meat cutter exists in the Philippines. Everyone uses a large meat cleaver and chops everything into indistinguishable chunks full of shattered bones.

Hail and well met, good sir!

Also, "When you ask where the corpse is that's stinking up your house and the reply is, 'No, is bulad.''
Title: Re: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: Gray Wolf on July 29, 2016, 11:29:46 AM
Hail and well met, good sir!

Also, "When you ask where the corpse is that's stinking up your house and the reply is, 'No, is bulad.''

I'm thinking of buying a few good boning and butcher knives and providing some meat charts. Maybe start a trend for properly cut meat portions. Then next project would be a good sized cold smoker.
Title: Re: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: lost_in_samoa on July 29, 2016, 11:37:31 AM
Maybe start a trend

You do that and I'll have the wife do a post on how to dig out every tiny little scrap and pressure can it for future adobo's.

When she finishes a butcher job the ants are bored!
Title: Re: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: fred on July 29, 2016, 01:00:08 PM
Quote
I'm thinking of buying a few good boning and butcher knives and providing some meat charts. Maybe start a trend for properly cut meat portions. Then next project would be a good sized cold smoker.
I think they cut everything up small in the mall meat section because many people here buy cheaply priced small portions..
The guy at Bohol Bee farm (American) is at all the malls here early in the morning and collects his huge daily orders of large beef ribs and lean pork roasting joints etc...These are only for him and he damned near cleans them out every day.
Once he`s out of the way the ribs are 3" long again..
Damn!!

If you go into a Monteray meat shop here you will see full size meat charts on display... Once they know what you want,you will get those cuts but better to be a regular customer I guess.
Title: Re: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: JD on July 29, 2016, 01:14:48 PM
I'm thinking of buying a few good boning and butcher knives and providing some meat charts. Maybe start a trend for properly cut meat portions. Then next project would be a good sized cold smoker.

The next project should be color charts for meat doneness. Call it "Gray Is Not The New Done". :)
Title: Re: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: bigrod on July 29, 2016, 02:26:23 PM
At least at S&R I can have some proper cuts of meat, they will even cut them as thick as I want.  They even have a band saw.

Chuck
Title: Re: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: Art, just a re(tired) Fil-Am on July 29, 2016, 03:36:55 PM
They don't do that here at our Nuvali S&R, because my wife already asked. The meats they get they say is all pre-cut and packaged.  Grrrrrrrrrr......... >:(
Title: Re: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: bigpearl on July 29, 2016, 04:02:15 PM
They don't do that here at our Nuvali S&R, because my wife already asked. The meats they get they say is all pre-cut and packaged.  Grrrrrrrrrr......... >:(

And you told us you were in a civilised part of the world, what is it coming to?
On a serious note SM in San Lazero would cut what ever you wanted and I am sure if you pushed the right buttons they would cook it also, very accomodating to say the least.

Do you have an SM supermarket near you Art?, Try them if you do.

In the mean time we have trouble buying good giblets here in Oz let alone Bangus.

Cheers, Steve.
Title: Re: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: bigrod on July 29, 2016, 04:40:26 PM
They don't do that here at our Nuvali S&R, because my wife already asked. The meats they get they say is all pre-cut and packaged.  Grrrrrrrrrr......... >:(

Art, they lied to your wife.  I had them cut a rack of Lamb for me that was larger than I wanted.  They also at that store were cutting some of the racks into individual chops since not everyone buys a rack.  Plus they cut some 1 1/3 inch ribeyes for me the same day at Nuvali.  I also have never had a problem with the Imus store.

Chuck
Title: Re: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: bigpearl on July 29, 2016, 04:58:25 PM
Wow Chuck, you got lamb, be buggered, never ever saw bloody lamb any where in our necks the woods. Goat yes, lamb no. Funny all we can buy in Oz is diced goat pre packaged, probably lamb. Benjie won't eat lamb, weird but his choice so gone now are the leg of lamb roasts and racks but when we BBQ the lamb chops are there for me and guests, yum.

Cheers, Steve.
Title: Re: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: bigrod on July 29, 2016, 05:11:43 PM
Steve, S&R has Aus/NZ lamb/beef.

Chuck
Title: Re: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: bigpearl on July 29, 2016, 05:24:09 PM
Steve, S&R has Aus/NZ lamb/beef.

Chuck

I have to plead total ignorance Chuck, though I have lived in PH. on and off for 5 plus years I am not sure what S&R is, only assume it's like SM. Which was the local grocery store where we lived, all 36 registers with cashier and a packer, 72 jobs in the busy time, 2 bag drops (security) but no lamb, bum.
Chuck I will check out S&R on the web after I post, thanks for the heads up but have not seen SM or S&R in San Fernando city, goat it is, all good.

Cheers, Steve.
Title: Re: You Know your Married To A Filipino When
Post by: bigpearl on July 29, 2016, 05:38:31 PM
Sorry Chuck and readers, have gone way of track on this thread, happens but a little looking I do see S&R but only in major centres, looks a little like the Costco set up around the world though may be wrong.
Back on track.

I call my partner Benjie Marcos because we have had to ad an extension to the house to store his shoe collection.

Groan.

Cheers, Steve.