Author Topic: Odd one out  (Read 2318 times)

Offline JD

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Odd one out
« on: April 13, 2017, 04:52:13 PM »
Just wondering, you who live with your Filipino family here in-country, how are you treated and how do you feel about it?

Sometimes, I feel like it's three against one here with my wife, her mother and now her sister (acting as our helper) living here. I find I'm rarely consulted and many household decisions are made by "them". They're not earth-shattering decisions but many times I feel invisible.

Do you guys ever feel the same?


Offline Art, just a re(tired) Fil-Am

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Re: Odd one out
« Reply #1 on: April 13, 2017, 05:33:27 PM »
No, because we moved far away from my wife's family and close relatives long time ago and it's now just my wife and I living in our own home and our mortgage is paid off!
I'm my own person to make my own decisions about anything I feel is important without any of my wife's family dramas and or any of of their influences upon me or my wife, which is really none of their business, but my own.   
"Life is what we all make it to be"!
"It's always a matter of money"!
"Do on to others as they would do on to You, but do it first"!
"Different strokes for different folks"!
"Que Sera Sera"!

Offline jjcabgou

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Re: Odd one out
« Reply #2 on: April 13, 2017, 07:31:10 PM »
Just wondering, you who live with your Filipino family here in-country, how are you treated and how do you feel about it?

Sometimes, I feel like it's three against one here with my wife, her mother and now her sister (acting as our helper) living here. I find I'm rarely consulted and many household decisions are made by "them". They're not earth-shattering decisions but many times I feel invisible.

Do you guys ever feel the same?
Not really, and my situation is the polar opposite of Art's.   I live with anywhere between 9 and 12 other family members.   Few if any decisions are made without my knowledge.   The only times I may feel somewhat 'invisible' is when we have guests over from their province or other relatives.   And this is normally fine with me as they are talking about their past, or people I do not know at all.    If I were you JD, I would express your feelings to your wife.  She may not even be aware this is going on. 

Offline bigrod

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Re: Odd one out
« Reply #3 on: April 13, 2017, 08:14:38 PM »
We have a lot of family within about a half hour drive.  Normally the mother-in-law will stop by 1 day a week to visit for a few hours.  Today have mother-in-law plus 2 younger nieces that will be staying the night.  Mother-in-law cooking for the wife's birthday tomorrow, so packed house for a few hours tomorrow.  Have not had any real problems with the family in the last 7 years, we make our own decisions and live our life our way.

Chuck
Life is  to short not to live it right the first time

Offline iamjames

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Re: Odd one out
« Reply #4 on: April 13, 2017, 08:31:23 PM »
I have maintained a policy for 40 years now - which is proven more correct every year. One should always live at least 100 miles from In-laws or Outlaws. Otherwise their problems become your problem. 

Offline jjcabgou

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Re: Odd one out
« Reply #5 on: April 13, 2017, 09:22:05 PM »
I have maintained a policy for 40 years now - which is proven more correct every year. One should always live at least 100 miles from In-laws or Outlaws. Otherwise their problems become your problem.
I would not want it that way at all.  I enjoy my entire family

Offline Art, just a re(tired) Fil-Am

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Re: Odd one out
« Reply #6 on: April 13, 2017, 10:20:45 PM »
At my old age, I savor my privacy, peace and quiet.
"Life is what we all make it to be"!
"It's always a matter of money"!
"Do on to others as they would do on to You, but do it first"!
"Different strokes for different folks"!
"Que Sera Sera"!

Offline bigrod

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Re: Odd one out
« Reply #7 on: April 13, 2017, 11:14:34 PM »
I have maintained a policy for 40 years now - which is proven more correct every year. One should always live at least 100 miles from In-laws or Outlaws. Otherwise their problems become your problem.

Don't have that problem learned over 40 years ago how to say NO!  When there is a verified need and I can help that is ok.  They have learned and accepted that for the 7 years I have been here.


Chuck
Life is  to short not to live it right the first time

Offline Art, just a re(tired) Fil-Am

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Re: Odd one out
« Reply #8 on: April 13, 2017, 11:29:57 PM »
I have maintained a policy for 40 years now - which is proven more correct every year. One should always live at least 100 miles from In-laws or Outlaws. Otherwise their problems become your problem.
It works! I'm living proof and I like it that way.
"Life is what we all make it to be"!
"It's always a matter of money"!
"Do on to others as they would do on to You, but do it first"!
"Different strokes for different folks"!
"Que Sera Sera"!

Offline suzukig1

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Re: Odd one out
« Reply #9 on: April 14, 2017, 08:56:53 AM »
I'm one of those that likes having my wife's extended family around.  We don't have money issues with the family which I'm sure plays a big part in people's attitude towards having family around or not.

Re: the OP and "household decisions"; in the beginning I had the opposite problem.  I was asked for approval on everything.  I don't want to be involved on every (most) decision.  Now it's much better.  I'm involved on major decisions.  Informed on big decisions after the fact.  "Surprised" on small decisions.
« Last Edit: April 14, 2017, 09:06:04 AM by suzukig1 »

Offline jjcabgou

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Re: Odd one out
« Reply #10 on: April 14, 2017, 09:45:16 AM »
I'm one of those that likes having my wife's extended family around.  We don't have money issues with the family which I'm sure plays a big part in people's attitude towards having family around or not.

Re: the OP and "household decisions"; in the beginning I had the opposite problem.  I was asked for approval on everything.  I don't want to be involved on every (most) decision.  Now it's much better.  I'm involved on major decisions.  Informed on big decisions after the fact.  "Surprised" on small decisions.
Based on what I have read over the years, I think you and I are a big big minority when it comes to this topic.   I cant imagine not having my family around.   

Offline bigrod

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Re: Odd one out
« Reply #11 on: April 14, 2017, 10:49:49 AM »
I don't mind having the family around.  I do like them to let us know in advance if they are going to drop by though, since we may have already made other plans.  We decide on the decisions we make not the family.  My asawa being the youngest sibling was under pressure from her siblings initially but learned quickly that our life comes first before her families life.  As stated earlier we will help when there is a valid need not just a want.  Her oldest sibling tried to play a big part in our purchase of a new vehicle last year he learned that the type, size, etc., was none of his business.  His contention being the bigger the seating capacity of the vehicle the more family we could transport.  Informed him there was only 2 of us so did not need 7 or larger seating capacity as he thought we should have.  Would have bought a 2 seat if they had one that I was comfortable sitting in but opted for the 5 seat Hyundai Tucson, plenty of room for cargo if needed.  Having the family close is not a problem if they learn from the beginning that you are not there to support them all.

Chuck
Life is  to short not to live it right the first time

Offline trevor

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Re: Odd one out
« Reply #12 on: April 14, 2017, 12:53:22 PM »
We live with MIL and one brother. With all the family nearby. Used to live in the family compound but we had no privacy. So we bought land and build about 3 KM. away but still close. Many times small decisions are made without me knowing then at last minute i am informed.  This one sister is very jealous of my wife's friends. Complained to her brothers that my wife favour her friends over them. Not so, my wife is the last one of ten kids and they all think she should bow down to them. Wife is the only one who finished college with a four year degree and is a teacher and a very smart and friendly person. Very charismatic and gets along with everyone. So this often cause problem with the family but now she learn how to ignore them. I told her she is a married woman and not to let them control her. There is always some drama going on and i just stay out of it. Let the wife handle it, which she is quite capable of doing.   
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Offline JD

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Re: Odd one out
« Reply #13 on: April 14, 2017, 02:32:16 PM »
Thanks for the input, folks.

I do want to make it clear that I don't have any problems with my wife's family as far as asking for money or family drama.

Mother-in-law being here full-time was a small surprise three years ago but she cooks and helps around the house quite a bit. Sister being here happened a few months ago when our helper took a powder. She's morbidly shy so I have zero rapport with her which is unsettling. But she cleans, does the laundry and the other tasks that the helper used to. I've no real issues except sometimes feeling that it's their house and I just live here.

For instance: we had a leak in our water supply line as it goes under the shared dirt road outside where it's buried. The wife went to the plumber's, came back and told me that he wasn't in but that she left a message with his helper. Flash forward a week or so and we're walking the road. Wife goes over to look at a wet spot and I say, "I thought you were going to have the plumber look at that." She tells me he's already been and fixed it on the day he wasn't in, she's just checking on the dampness. Turns out he got back to his business, got the message, and came right over. That kind of thing drives me nuts.

Maybe it's just a natural extension from not speaking the language, not being a hen and not being "family-family".  I don't necessarily want to know every time the dog farts but I do want to know when the lady comes for our coconuts and so forth.

Again, thanks for your replies. I was curious to see how involved those of you who live with family are in the day-to-day things. I'll have another talk with my wife

Offline Art, just a re(tired) Fil-Am

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Re: Odd one out
« Reply #14 on: April 14, 2017, 04:56:35 PM »
JD,
Now you know that you're not the only odd man out, maybe except for myself since I've been there and done all that long time ago.
Anyway, that's just the way is with some of our Filipino extended families, you accept the good with bad and live with it the best way you know how.

May you all live long and prosper
« Last Edit: April 14, 2017, 05:10:08 PM by Art, just a re(tired) Fil-Am »
"Life is what we all make it to be"!
"It's always a matter of money"!
"Do on to others as they would do on to You, but do it first"!
"Different strokes for different folks"!
"Que Sera Sera"!

 


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