Author Topic: Don't live too close to relatives  (Read 1673 times)

Offline chimellie

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Don't live too close to relatives
« on: June 07, 2018, 01:19:52 AM »
Hi guys,
About 5 years ago my wife told me she want to build a retirement home in Cebu, so we started looking for land there and we found a perfect lot near her family and we bought the lot and had a house built. The whole process took about a year and half. We built a one floor ranch because we don't want to walk up and down the stairs when we get old.

Right now my brother in-law and his family live there and I'm glad that they do because they keep an eye on the house, they keep the property clean, so far so good with them, I don't have any problem with them and thankful that they stay there .

We visit Cebu about once a year and stay in my house with them because it's a big place, 4 bedrooms, 3 cr's, 2 kitchens. when we are there we get lots of visitors almost everyday mostly cousins, nieces and nephews . We always give them gifts from the US. Most people are very good, they are happy with what we give them. But because we stay so close to them, they come regularly and some complain about how they don't have enough to eat, they have big families, it makes me feel bad so we end up give them money everyday. Some borrowed money but they never paid back. I had to tell them if you borrow you have to pay back no matter how small it is, it's the principle .

My advice to you guys is never build your retirement home too close to your wife's family, it could create problems.       

Anyone here in the same situation ?

   

Offline chimellie

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Re: Don't live too close to relatives
« Reply #1 on: June 07, 2018, 01:24:11 AM »
Hi Mods, can I post some pictures ? if it's ok please pm me

Thanks

Offline JoeLP

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Re: Don't live too close to relatives
« Reply #2 on: June 07, 2018, 03:49:00 AM »
If you dig deep enough into this site you'll see that warning 1.5 million times.  If Tina wasn't already established with her catering business and all I wouldn't be living in Catarman and property we own is outside Catarman by an over 30 minute drive which is enough to keep most family away.

Also, having researched it and knowing this is an obstacle, I was still hesitant to do what we did(build our own home on the back of her family compound) and warned her that I was not a family bank and she would need to be as much a guard of that concept as I am.  She agreed and has followed through.  After the first year here the requests are almost nil.  She just shuts them down and actually uses the words I used, but in local dialect.  "We are not your bank.  You need money, go to one of those."  Or at least, something close to that.

That still didn't stop her sisters...one in particular...from just walking into our home and taking things.  That took more than a year to put a stop on.  But that is done now also.
In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king.

Offline Lee2

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Re: Don't live too close to relatives
« Reply #3 on: June 07, 2018, 03:50:31 AM »
Hi guys,
About 5 years ago my wife told me she want to build a retirement home in Cebu, so we started looking for land there and we found a perfect lot near her family and we bought the lot and had a house built. The whole process took about a year and half. We built a one floor ranch because we don't want to walk up and down the stairs when we get old.

Right now my brother in-law and his family live there and I'm glad that they do because they keep an eye on the house, they keep the property clean, so far so good with them, I don't have any problem with them and thankful that they stay there .

We visit Cebu about once a year and stay in my house with them because it's a big place, 4 bedrooms, 3 cr's, 2 kitchens. when we are there we get lots of visitors almost everyday mostly cousins, nieces and nephews . We always give them gifts from the US. Most people are very good, they are happy with what we give them. But because we stay so close to them, they come regularly and some complain about how they don't have enough to eat, they have big families, it makes me feel bad so we end up give them money everyday. Some borrowed money but they never paid back. I had to tell them if you borrow you have to pay back no matter how small it is, it's the principle .

My advice to you guys is never build your retirement home too close to your wife's family, it could create problems.       

Anyone here in the same situation ?
and a beautiful house it is, Nila and I got to see it some years ago with another couple that you were or are friends with, they also lived in Cebu at the time, we lost track of them, I likely said or did something to upset the guy but not much I can do about that now, the Lyrica I used to take was really playing games with my head back then, anyway real friends tell a friend if they do something wrong, not disappear, yet that part is life, anyway I agree with you on not living too close to some family members, while others like the ones we met who live in your house there in Talisay seem like they are very nice people, we have always enjoyed spending time with them whenever you were in town and you invited Nila and I over.

I see you asked for some photos to be posted, here are some I found of your house, I will look and see if I can find some others and post them too and you are welcome to email any you would like posted, maybe you should sell that house to get away from the rest of the family, just a thought, if I lived there full time then that would be a house I would love to have, I like the location too, blocks from the Tabunok Public Market, great location IMO.

Anyway let me know if I can do anything for you should the time come...
:) Happily married since 1994 & live part of the year in Cebu and the rest in S. Florida.

Offline Lee2

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Re: Don't live too close to relatives
« Reply #4 on: June 07, 2018, 05:03:29 AM »
Some more photos I found of the house but they were from years ago so things may have changed? the earlier ones I posted were fairly recent.
The front door photo #1 a grand entrance for a grand home
#2 the wet kitchen
#3 me walking around the outside of the front.
:) Happily married since 1994 & live part of the year in Cebu and the rest in S. Florida.

Offline iamjames

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Re: Don't live too close to relatives
« Reply #5 on: June 07, 2018, 03:40:37 PM »
Not just in the Philippines but a policy I have always maintained: You should always live at least 100 miles from In-laws or Outlaws (siblings). We all have enough problems in life. If you live too close to family then their problems soon become your problems also. Too much.

Offline BudM

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Re: Don't live too close to relatives
« Reply #6 on: June 07, 2018, 06:08:26 PM »
Not just in the Philippines but a policy I have always maintained: You should always live at least 100 miles from In-laws or Outlaws (siblings). We all have enough problems in life. If you live too close to family then their problems soon become your problems also. Too much.

You got that right James.  Too bad my wife's business was established in the same city as the biggest problem otherwise, I would be down the road further.  I nipped the immediate problem though when I threw their butts off our property a few years ago and told them that if they come to the subdivision gate a calling, they better be a calling someone else.  To my knowledge, they don't know anyone else in here.

And they have not been back since.  Along with a few others by their own choosing.  Well, no skin off my nose.
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Offline chimellie

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Re: Don't live too close to relatives
« Reply #7 on: June 07, 2018, 06:26:10 PM »
Thank you Lee, we made some improvements to the house since the last time you guys visit. 
 
We love this house so much because it's close to everything like malls, schools, Tabunok market, I don't know if we will sell it. But if the situation gets worse and if the price is right we might consider selling it fully furnished and move to another island. Camotes island is looking good, I wouldn't mind moving there.

Offline David690

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Re: Don't live too close to relatives
« Reply #8 on: June 07, 2018, 07:43:40 PM »
Hi guys,
About 5 years ago my wife told me she want to build a retirement home in Cebu, so we started looking for land there and we found a perfect lot near her family and we bought the lot and had a house built. The whole process took about a year and half. We built a one floor ranch because we don't want to walk up and down the stairs when we get old.

Right now my brother in-law and his family live there and I'm glad that they do because they keep an eye on the house, they keep the property clean, so far so good with them, I don't have any problem with them and thankful that they stay there .

We visit Cebu about once a year and stay in my house with them because it's a big place, 4 bedrooms, 3 cr's, 2 kitchens. when we are there we get lots of visitors almost everyday mostly cousins, nieces and nephews . We always give them gifts from the US. Most people are very good, they are happy with what we give them. But because we stay so close to them, they come regularly and some complain about how they don't have enough to eat, they have big families, it makes me feel bad so we end up give them money everyday. Some borrowed money but they never paid back. I had to tell them if you borrow you have to pay back no matter how small it is, it's the principle .

My advice to you guys is never build your retirement home too close to your wife's family, it could create problems.       

Anyone here in the same situation ?

   

I always thought that the nearest one should live to relatives is at least one island away.
Londoner at heart

Offline Lee2

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Re: Don't live too close to relatives
« Reply #9 on: June 07, 2018, 08:48:59 PM »
Thank you Lee, we made some improvements to the house since the last time you guys visit. 
 
We love this house so much because it's close to everything like malls, schools, Tabunok market, I don't know if we will sell it. But if the situation gets worse and if the price is right we might consider selling it fully furnished and move to another island. Camotes island is looking good, I wouldn't mind moving there.
Well if you should decide to sell it then let me know the details and I will pass the word around,  I am guessing that house cost you a fortune to build? 

Also in not many more posts you will be able to ask to be put into the Senior Member + group and then you would be able to post about it for sale in there if you wish to, my advice would be that if you want to sell a home or condo in the Philippines, to get ahead of it because it usually takes time to sell, it is not like in the US where you list something and it sells in days, weeks or even a few months, no MLS in the Philippines that I know of.

I always thought that the nearest one should live to relatives is at least one island away.
That has never helped us, most of my wife's family lives in Mindanao, some also live on the west coast of Cebu, many years ago before I laid the law down upon retiring, that we would only give for REAL emergencies once I retired, we had a relative from Mindanao take a ship to Cebu just to ask us for money, that did not go over well for them since I left them stranded on Cebu refusing to give them even fare back, once I make up my mind, then that is how it will be.
:) Happily married since 1994 & live part of the year in Cebu and the rest in S. Florida.

Offline Art, just a re(tired) Fil-Am

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Re: Don't live too close to relatives
« Reply #10 on: June 08, 2018, 11:10:41 AM »
I know it all too well when living near family and or relatives, been there and done all that our first two years after our arrival.
Pulling up stakes and moving a good distance away from family and relatives solved all that.
It's now just my wife and I living comfortably in a nice secure gated community out in the suburbs of Laguna Province for the past 18 years.
« Last Edit: June 08, 2018, 11:22:20 AM by Art, just a re(tired) Fil-Am »
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Offline Gray Wolf

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Re: Don't live too close to relatives
« Reply #11 on: June 08, 2018, 11:36:18 PM »
It all depends on the family and what kind of relatives you have, although that's a good general rule. As for me and our family, when we visit we stay in the house with my favorite brother in law, his wife and their two "kids" (now 18 and 21 years old). Many years ago Gloria laid down the law on begging for money. They all have to deal with her. I'm never bothered by anyone. Most of my family is self-sufficient, hard working and very independent. The only one I regularly assist is Walter, my nephew who runs the family farm, I sometimes, but not always, assist with seeding, fertilizing and sometimes with replacement parts for the farm equipment. This past year I spent a total of only $300. That covered new seed, and a replacement engine for the tora-tora. In return the family received 20 cabans of rice, at least 100 pounds of fresh fish, shrimp and crabs and the pleasure of having a happy family. Over the years we have assisted with tuition for the more promising students and have been repaid by having a well educated family who provides for themselves and helps their extended families. The niece who lives in the house we built is in the last stages of her Chemical Engineering degree and will graduate this year. She's already doing the OJT portion of her education. Her younger brother worked hard to be at the top of his class in high school, spent a year in an engineering prep school and recently was granted a scholarship for his first year of college where he will be working towards a degree in Electrical Engineering. When he's done with school we will have helped 2 RN's, 3 electrical Engineers, 2 Industrial Engineers and 1 Computer Technology Engineer with a Masters degree. We were recently approached by our niece who asked if we would like for her to start paying us back for helping her. We advised her to start saving her money for future use/investment.

So, in my case, I'm more than happy to be surrounded by family. They are some of my best friends in the Philippines. YMMV
Louisville, KY USA

Offline BudM

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Re: Don't live too close to relatives
« Reply #12 on: June 09, 2018, 02:20:44 AM »
This gets back to the business of there is at least one in almost every family.  My own family from my childhood years, is gone as far as I am concerned.  Here, the one I threw out are bums.  All my wife's side is self sufficient and working at good jobs except for three of ten (only two guys) total.  Four of them are overseas, two are doing fine in the province and then my wife has her work of over 25 years of which the past 10 she has had her own business.   

Of the first three I mentioned, the youngest girl is married to a guy who just went back overseas (making not big but damn good money for here since it is almost as much as I did when I was working), another one has been going among two or three of the families working for them at various stages of their kids growing up and the final one is married to a guy who both do ok job wise but could do better if they put more effort in to it.  She and her husband are the ones that I banned from the house.  They like to play the "Poor, poor, poor" card on everyone.  Yet, they sure have enough money to go do this, do that, and do everything including traveling to other countries and even take their two kids along. They have put both kids through private schooling all their childhood along with the oldest one in a top notch college now.  But, they are poor.  My wife helped them out a lot before she knew me.  Including helping them to make more money and helping her sister finish her final two years of college.  The sister would also send the kids over to my wife telling her they needed food so she would give them money.  And then one night during a holiday season they have the nerve to get me, after everyone else went to bed, and bad mouth my wife?  Mainly, telling me how she did not think of them and had never helped them a bit?

I already knew how she had helped them both before and after I met here.  She was even helping them for a few months after I moved here but it was a few days after that night that I bounced their butts.  And then there are the two others who stick up for them and try and convince people how poor that family is and because of the bad old cano's attitude they voluntarily do not come around.  Sometimes I think a few of them were under the impression that when their sister hooked up with me that I wasn't going to live too much longer anyway.  Yeah, they are so poor.  Crap, give me a break.

Now, when it gets to my wife's other relatives outside of her sibs, no problem.  They and I all get along fine.  At least the ones I know.  By the way, none of this is any stress on her parents as just like mine, they have both unfortunately long passed on.
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Offline chimellie

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Re: Don't live too close to relatives
« Reply #13 on: June 09, 2018, 03:23:20 AM »
I forgot to tell you guys about the 2 cousins of my wife.

During the wake of my wife's mom, one of her cousins asked me for a pair of sneakers. The other one asked if we would pay her if she helps during the wake serving snacks. These are some of the people we always help when we visit Cebu, now they want to get paid for helping a little ?

My wife was really mad after I told her about it. She told them off really good saying how they had the nerve to ask for things during the wake of her mom.

Don't these people care or they just don't have a heart ? I just don't understand it.     

Offline M.C.A.

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Re: Don't live too close to relatives
« Reply #14 on: June 09, 2018, 07:26:25 AM »
I no longer attend these week-long funerals and have stopped drinking and these events are ongoing in all directions at all times it's gonna be a money grab.  The in-laws I'ds kick them out of your house regardless if you get along and make sure you have a gate or several gates, I have a large gate and if the in-laws or anyone off the road gets in I have gates at every door entrance, It wasn't that way two decades ago but lessons learned. 

If you need maid help hire someone it will be cheaper in the long run and make sure they leave every day and don't live in your home, I'd rather wash my dishes just like I did before I retired here so I can have some peace of mind, once again two decades of lessons learned, sometimes our women are the main problem and we need to realize this, I can't remember ever having maid service other than here and it's not needed I'll scrub my own toilets.
My views would be from someone who lives out in the province close to in-laws on a pension.  Norwegian and French heritage.

 


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