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Visitors to the Philippines who,
like I was in 1980, I assume Filipinos think like we do: westernized
by the Spanish and American occupations, four hundred years for the
Spanish and 80 years of Hollywood. And for a long time I
believed I was correct in my assumption. Not until very much
later, a lot of observation and study, did if find, I was dead
wrong. Despite the thick veneer of westernization, these
are Asian people and a special breed of Asian people, through
and through, with their own thought patterns and culture (s).
Cultures vary from province to province and in different subgroups,
certainly in the Chinese Filipino community, a strong contingent
here. These values, customs and orientation are alien to those from
the western world. And because of the opaque covering, hard to
detect.
A
discussion of the differences, follows. Respecting these differences can mean the difference between fully enjoying yourself
here, and having miserable, confusing experiences.
And old post on the
List by me re: why Filipinas appreciate western
men, speculation from my experience. . ..
First, the Filipino man is a problem, I feel.
Women here get the dirty end of the stick, like in
many Asian countries. But in these Asian countries
where it happens it is not considered the "dirty
end," but a duty. And the women don't necessarily
want it another way.
I mentioned in a previously, a woman who commits
adultery can go to jail. But she would not dare.
The social pressures would destroy her as it does
many mistresses. A man is in de facto pretty much
exempt from that law.
I just read in the paper today that a high city
official is implementing a program to train wives
so they will not be "naggers." (strangely strange
you to you maybe his name is Bimbo. If you live
here, you would not blink your eyes at such a
name) Councilman Bimbo feels that wife abuse cases
will go down if women are taught to accept the
behavior of their husbands.
I talked to some Filipinos and Filipinas about it
including my house helpers. They feel it is a good
idea. And even I believe it will. But I don't
think that is the right answer because it would
would probably work. But you could kill all the
naggers too. That would work for sure, but not a
grand solution.
The Filipino husbands have been often spoiled by
their parents and sisters and expect to be spoiled
by their wives. So the wives too spoil them: comb
their hair, bath them, cook for them, etc. They
put up with their unfaithfulness. If they do this
they are considered a good wife. If they don't
they are considered a disgrace. A woman who does
not honor her husband , be foreigner or Filipino
above all is considered culturally insane. A
Filipino wife who is provincial will get upset if
you carry your own bag. She feels it is her place
to carry it for you and if you don't let her she
will be embarrassed.
If she can't provide a boy baby, the man has the
right to seek a mistress and have another family,
if he can afford it. Mistresses can be had on
almost any pretext. Why is it like that?
Everybody, even women want boy children. If there
is one peanut left to eat the boy gets both
pieces. The father often pays little attention to
the girls and worships his boys, especially the
older one, who will carry his name. The girls are
sent out to work while the boy's education is
first. If money is left over the girl gets
educated. The all compete for parental attention,
particularly the fathers or kuya who is the oldest
boy.
Girls don't get much affection from their fathers,
so when they get a man, they most often really
appreciate it. They want to touch him, be close to
him and care for him. They often are terrified
that he will stray, but accept. Daughters often
become favorites of there father, because of
manulipation skills honed to a fine edge our of
necessity. This carries on into marriage.
A foreigner does not have that much leeway as a
Filipino man. Filipinas wives expect more from
him, loyalty, faithfulness, there idea of the
Wester man, especially after they have live in a
developed Western country and been enlightened by
the women there who in my opinion control the
country.
As for fat and age, they are both pluses. Age gets
respect here. And fat means you can afford to feed
your family. Skinny does not make it. I told my
present girl friend I wanted to lose some of my
belly and she got upset. She was confused and
asked "Why?" Some say this is because Filipinas /os
They have a "colonial" mentality. Their history of
domination by the Spanish and then us made them
this way. Anything foreign is better than local,
including human beings to some of the those really
brainwashed.
A girl asked me "Do Americans hate liars." I said
some do and some don't. I said that some lie a lot
so they might scream a lot when someone lies to
them. She said she did not believe Americans lied.
I said watch me. :)
Nobody wants to be a Filipino. Even the men want
to go to the States. I had a couple of young men
over here the other day. They were college
students, first year, small and dark skinned. They
wanted badly to go to the States. They said the
women in the States were beautiful. All they see
is the movie stars on TV. I told them might not
stand a chance with one of these Stars. The said
they wanted to try. They knew American women were
very liberal and would have sex with anyone. I
told them I didn't know that. Filipino men do not
marry non virgins.
If a girl is a not virgin they know their only
chance is a foreigner. If the have a child they
think even a foreigner will not marry them
regardless of how beautiful, talented and educated
they may be. I saw an 18 year old I know casually
at the coffee shop this morning. Her former boy
friend gave her a girl child and left for another
woman he married. She is stunningly beautiful. She
said "Is it possible an American would marry me?"
I said, "Maybe." Her name is Jane. Any takers? She
works at a bakery making about $25 per month, is a
high school graduate and reasonably intelligent,
but eighteen. She supports her child and pays for
here own maid, a sixteen year old who works for a
few pesos a month and food. She does not think she
is desirable because she is too skinny. An over
weight American girl would give several limbs to
have a body like hers.
Do you think Jane is interested in a Green Card?
She does not know what one is. Is it money? Yes.
But even more she also wants someone who will
accept her and love her and her child. A foreigner
might. A Filipino man will certainly not. His
family would disown him, a fate worse than death
in this culture. The problem with Jane is like the
problem with bar girls. They have been told by
society the have no value. They begin to believe
that and have no value. Jane has not gone that far
yet, but that is where she is headed and so are
many more like her.
So most Foreigners marry the first Filipina they
come in contact. They say never will I find
another like this one, as good and wonderful
caring and as beautiful. Not so. They lurk around
every corner. The guy after he has been here a
while, says to himself, "Why on Gods earth did I
marry this one or get married at all. Not that she
is not a fine lady, she is a wonderful lady, but
now I know what I could have had."
It is a matter of bonding too quickly from a
distance. I have counseled guys about this. But
they are already in love and you might as well be
talking to a post. Later they see the light and
say, "Oh, why didn't you tell me?"
Often the women who are on pen pals lists and you
meet on chat looking for a foreigner are women who
are smart enough to be dissatisfied. They are
often unhappy, are non virgins, have children or
really dissatisfied with life in general. I feel
it is better to come here, shop around, and find
one who would never consider a pen pal list
because she is very happy. In my very limited
personal experience the ones on penpal lists
generally have emotional problems that are
difficult. The hearsay I get gives strong support
for my the conclusions I made from my limited
experience.
But if you marry one, pen, Net pal or not, who is
already happy, contented, you stand a better
chance of success. And success is hard because of
the usual age differences and vas but not apparent
culture divide. They are deceiving like us and we
like the, but it is surface only. I don't have the
figures but I believe more marriages fail than
prosper though you don't hear as much about the
failures. Guys brag about what a great Filipina
wife they have when it works out. They don't
mention it when they have had a bad
experience, or at least not as much. And often
they know it is not their fault or the fault of
the Filipina. Some of the brighter ones come to
understand that a Filipina, because she is
Filipino, is happier with a man from her own
culture, who she can relate to. She really wants
someone she can go to the cemetery on Holy Week,
the fiesta with and see what she sees, feels what
she feels, experiences and enjoys the same things
she does.
One who understands that the extended family is
more important than the individual. One who
understands that you must sacrifice personal
happiness for the happiness of the group. One who
knows that the town fiesta is not just a bunch of
people eating and drinking but the opportunity to
visit with people who are a part of you, who you
grew up with, who you care about. That all these
town mates are her brothers and sisters a lot more
than friends.
Now if the girl, woman is insecure, has a poor
self image and/or needs status badly, being
married to a foreigner may be the only thing that
can bestow that status on her. And she will stick
with him through thick and thin to keep it. Having
the approval of others is the main goal of
Filipino life, especially when those others are
members of the f-a-m-i-l-y. the extended one. The expatriate is a
marginal person here. He is not Filipino. And he
does not have his culture to support him. He will
never be a Filipino nor does he want to be one. He
cannot divorce himself from his culture and will
never anything but an object of curiosity to those
in the culture he is in.
He is a foreigner first and foremost, and
respected for it. But when it comes to serious
things he cannot be expected to understand because
he is "just a foreigner." Life is hard for the
foreign male here. Not being used to the culture
and attention he becomes confused, disoriented and
often turns to hanging around bars with other
foreigners who are just as confused as he is. I
have seen so many go to drink because of constant
stress of being in demand and not knowing why. He
is wondering if they want him for his money, for
his status or for him. He often ends up hating the
country and the people because of the stress.
Fat foreigners, old men, are just not used to
being the objects of
admiration, status and desire. Others take up more
socially acceptable way to deal with their
problems. Some get really involved in business,
community work, religious activities. Others dwell
on sex, a few resort to drugs. At least one writes
a bunch of crazy stuff on Internet mailing list.
This is another quick down and dirty essay for
you, for what it is worth.
Please remember this, like everything else I
write, though I may sound like I am writing
gospel, is just one man's opinion. I am wrong as
often as I am right. If you were on the list you
may remember I speculated that when the ice caps
melted and the sea rose we would have more
islands. |
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Ugly American
-This was written by a List Guest, not an
"ugly American." Most of these American's
have problems in the States too. And because
of inability to adjust here, take advantage
of the non combative ways of the Filipinos
to be abusive despite their being treated
very well. You will not suffer much from
them as far as your reputation. Filipinos
treat everyone as though they are basically
good and don't judge everyone on the actions
of a few. These few can be embarrassing to
you. But do your homework, learn about the
culture on this website and get the book I
have on the website, Philippine Dreams, and
the free e-course, read Culture Shock
Philippines available from Amazon.com.
Remember you always have this List as a
resource to help you overcome cultural
barriers. But you may not recognize you are
involved in a "cultural thing," unless you
do you due diligence and read the website,
List, and the recommended books. They can
change you live here for the better even if
it is good, I do believe.
The List Guest Wrote:
I really liked your observations. It's funny
because as your
message came up my wife and I were chatting
about how sure was I
that I would like it in the Philippines when
we make the full-time
move, would I be able to deal with the
situations that will
inevitably come up that will irritate or
frustrate me, etc.
As we well know from many reports here, such
incidents will surely
occur. Will I get frustrated or even angry
at times? Well
certainly, but my resolve is never to get
into the situation where I start acting like
the person you mentioned. In my trips there
I
have observed this kind of behavior by
foreigners often. But I'm
sure there the vast majority of foreigners
never behave that way.
It just isn't worth it.
You know the very first time I ever visited
Manila I walked out of
the customs hall at NAIA with nothing but
the name of a hotel were I
was supposed to meet my wife to be (separate
rooms, you can be sure
of that LoL) and her cell phone number. I
had no change for a phone
and didn't even see a public phone at first.
What I did see was a policeman on the
sidewalk so I went to him and asked him if
he knew where a phone was and where I could
changes some bills for the
phone. He immediately led me to a phone,
took his own phone card
out of his pocket, stuck it in the phone and
helped me dial the number when I couldn't
get through (remember you have to add in
the '0' when calling in-country and omit it
when calling
internationally). After I confirmed all was
ok, he asked me where I
was going, took me to a taxi, showed the
driver the address and made
sure the driver knew where it was and
negotiated a very fair fare.
he asked for nothing in return, I later
found out it would have been
appropriate to tip him something but I
didn't know the rules and
didn't want to get in trouble bribing a
policeman. yeah, I know,
I'm kuripot LoL.
I couldn't help thinking what cop on patrol
at a US airport would have done and how big
a smile would have been on his face as I
departed. Frankly, that first night has set
the tone for everyvisit I've made. People in
the Philippines will treat you at _least_ as
well as you treat them. Many times, as in
the case, you
described they will treat foreigners much
better than they deserve.
On our last visit, while waiting to clear
through the BID booths at NAIA (by the way,
my wife, as a Filipino had been on line to
dutifully pay her travel tax when the tax
lady saw that my wife had a US green card
she immediately bypassed her, she could have
collected the tax and neither of us would
have been the wiser), and American got into
one of the lines next to us. I know he was
an American because he was loudly telling
one of his friends how he was from Oxnard
California, how stupid and backward the
Philippines
were, how rude and asinine the Filipino
were, how everyone in a uniform in the
Philippines was a crook, and on and on and
on .. in a very, very loud voice. I was sooo
embarrassed to hear this fellow
American spouting off like this I dearly
wished I had another
country's passport to show.
The people in the immigration booths took no
apparent notice of him, he was processed
through like everyone else and after we were
in the
departure lounge he quieted down.
Arriving at LAX there was (no surprise) a
huge line at immigration.
There were some very confusing signs
directing people into various lines and a
very fat, loud USCIS officer walking back
and forth
through the crowd bellowing, (I kid you not)
"What's the matter with
you people, can't you read English?" What a
welcome to America
*sigh*
My wife and I saw the line for green card
holders and it was very short. She went
first and the officer let me through with
her,
_way_ ahead of everyone in the "US Passport"
line. Last we saw
of "Mr. Oxnard" he was 75 or so people back
from the booth just
standing in line meek and mild as milk
toast. I literally had to
bite my lip to keep from hollering back at
him. "Hey _Mouth_, why
aren't you bitching about inefficiency and
stupidity now?"
The answer of course, id the man suffered
from a superiority complex
and probably more than his share of
cowardice. He bullied people
and bellowed in the Philippines because he
thought he was getting away with something
and because he (obviously) did not feel
Filipinos deserved the same respect as he
did. When he saw American
authorities he zipped his lip ... what a
phony.
Long story. Moral? You'll get treated as
good as you deserve and
quite possibly better than you deserve.
Based on my actual
experiences. |
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