Introduction to Philippines Culture

Visitors to the Philippines

A discussion of the differences, follows. Respecting these differences can mean the difference between fully enjoying yourself here, and having miserable, confusing experiences.

And old post on the List by me re: why Filipinas appreciate western men, speculation from my experience. . ..

First, the Filipino man is a problem, I feel. Women here get the dirty end of the stick, like in many Asian countries. But in these Asian countries where it happens it is not considered the "dirty end," but a duty. And the women don't necessarily want it another way.

I mentioned in a previously, a woman who commits adultery can go to jail. But she would not dare. The social pressures would destroy her as it does many mistresses. A man is in de facto pretty much exempt from that law.

I just read in the paper today that a high city official is implementing a program to train wives so they will not be "naggers." (strangely strange you to you maybe his name is Bimbo. If you live here, you would not blink your eyes at such a name) Councilman Bimbo feels that wife abuse cases will go down if women are taught to accept the behavior of their husbands.

I talked to some Filipinos and Filipinas about it including my house helpers. They feel it is a good idea. And even I believe it will. But I don't think that is the right answer because it would would probably work. But you could kill all the naggers too. That would work for sure, but not a grand solution.

The Filipino husbands have been often spoiled by their parents and sisters and expect to be spoiled by their wives. So the wives too spoil them: comb their hair, bath them, cook for them, etc. They put up with their unfaithfulness. If they do this they are considered a good wife. If they don't they are considered a disgrace. A woman who does not honor her husband , be foreigner or Filipino above all is considered culturally insane. A Filipino wife who is provincial will get upset if you carry your own bag. She feels it is her place to carry it for you and if you don't let her she will be embarrassed.

If she can't provide a boy baby, the man has the right to seek a mistress and have another family, if he can afford it. Mistresses can be had on almost any pretext. Why is it like that? Everybody, even women want boy children. If there is one peanut left to eat the boy gets both pieces. The father often pays little attention to the girls and worships his boys, especially the older one, who will carry his name. The girls are sent out to work while the boy's education is first. If money is left over the girl gets educated. The all compete for parental attention, particularly the fathers or kuya who is the oldest boy.

Girls don't get much affection from their fathers, so when they get a man, they most often really appreciate it. They want to touch him, be close to him and care for him. They often are terrified that he will stray, but accept. Daughters often become favorites of there father, because of manulipation skills honed to a fine edge our of necessity. This carries on into marriage.

A foreigner does not have that much leeway as a Filipino man. Filipinas wives expect more from him, loyalty, faithfulness, there idea of the Wester man, especially after they have live in a developed Western country and been enlightened by the women there who in my opinion control the country.

As for fat and age, they are both pluses. Age gets respect here. And fat means you can afford to feed your family. Skinny does not make it. I told my present girl friend I wanted to lose some of my belly and she got upset. She was confused and asked "Why?" Some say this is because Filipinas /os They have a "colonial" mentality. Their history of domination by the Spanish and then us made them this way. Anything foreign is better than local, including human beings to some of the those really brainwashed.

A girl asked me "Do Americans hate liars." I said some do and some don't. I said that some lie a lot so they might scream a lot when someone lies to them. She said she did not believe Americans lied. I said watch me. :)

Nobody wants to be a Filipino. Even the men want to go to the States. I had a couple of young men over here the other day. They were college students, first year, small and dark skinned. They wanted badly to go to the States. They said the women in the States were beautiful. All they see is the movie stars on TV. I told them might not stand a chance with one of these Stars. The said they wanted to try. They knew American women were very liberal and would have sex with anyone. I told them I didn't know that. Filipino men do not marry non virgins.

If a girl is a not virgin they know their only chance is a foreigner. If the have a child they think even a foreigner will not marry them regardless of how beautiful, talented and educated they may be. I saw an 18 year old I know casually at the coffee shop this morning. Her former boy friend gave her a girl child and left for another woman he married. She is stunningly beautiful. She said "Is it possible an American would marry me?" I said, "Maybe."Her name is Jane. Any takers? She works at a bakery making about $25 per month, is a high school graduate and reasonably intelligent, but eighteen. She supports her child and pays for here own maid, a sixteen year old who works for a few pesos a month and food. She does not think she is desirable because she is too skinny. An over weight American girl would give several limbs to have a body like hers.

Do you think Jane is interested in a Green Card? She does not know what one is. Is it money? Yes. But even more she also wants someone who will accept her and love her and her child. A foreigner might. A Filipino man will certainly not. His family would disown him, a fate worse than death in this culture. The problem with Jane is like the problem with bar girls. They have been told by society the have no value. They begin to believe that and have no value. Jane has not gone that far yet, but that is where she is headed and so are many more like her.

So most Foreigners marry the first Filipina they come in contact. They say never will I find another like this one, as good and wonderful caring and as beautiful. Not so. They lurk around every corner. The guy after he has been here a while, says to himself, "Why on Gods earth did I marry this one or get married at all. Not that she is not a fine lady, she is a wonderful lady, but now I know what I could have had."

It is a matter of bonding too quickly from a distance. I have counseled guys about this. But they are already in love and you might as well be talking to a post. Later they see the light and say, "Oh, why didn't you tell me?"

Often the women who are on pen pals lists and you meet on chat looking for a foreigner are women who are smart enough to be dissatisfied. They are often unhappy, are non virgins, have children or really dissatisfied with life in general. I feel it is better to come here, shop around, and find one who would never consider a pen pal list because she is very happy. In my very limited personal experience the ones on penpal lists generally have emotional problems that are difficult. The hearsay I get gives strong support for my the conclusions I made from my limited experience.

But if you marry one, pen, Net pal or not, who is already happy, contented, you stand a better chance of success. And success is hard because of the usual age differences and vas but not apparent culture divide. They are deceiving like us and we like the, but it is surface only. I don't have the figures but I believe more marriages fail than prosper though you don't hear as much about the failures. Guys brag about what a great Filipina wife they have when it works out. They don't mention it when they have had a bad experience, or at least not as much. And often they know it is not their fault or the fault of the Filipina. Some of the brighter ones come to understand that a Filipina, because she is Filipino, is happier with a man from her own culture, who she can relate to. She really wants someone she can go to the cemetery on Holy Week, the fiesta with and see what she sees, feels what she feels, experiences and enjoys the same things she does.

One who understands that the extended family is more important than the individual. One who understands that you must sacrifice personal happiness for the happiness of the group. One who knows that the town fiesta is not just a bunch of people eating and drinking but the opportunity to visit with people who are a part of you, who you grew up with, who you care about. That all these town mates are her brothers and sisters a lot more than friends.

Now if the girl, woman is insecure, has a poor self image and/or needs status badly, being married to a foreigner may be the only thing that can bestow that status on her. And she will stick with him through thick and thin to keep it. Having the approval of others is the main goal of Filipino life, especially when those others are members of the f-a-m-i-l-y. the extended one. The expatriate is a marginal person here. He is not Filipino. And he does not have his culture to support him. He will never be a Filipino nor does he want to be one. He cannot divorce himself from his culture and will never anything but an object of curiosity to those in the culture he is in.

He is a foreigner first and foremost, and respected for it. But when it comes to serious things he cannot be expected to understand because he is "just a foreigner." Life is hard for the foreign male here. Not being used to the culture and attention he becomes confused, disoriented and often turns to hanging around bars with other foreigners who are just as confused as he is. I have seen so many go to drink because of constant stress of being in demand and not knowing why. He is wondering if they want him for his money, for his status or for him. He often ends up hating the country and the people because of the stress.

Fat foreigners, old men, are just not used to being the objects of admiration, status and desire. Others take up more socially acceptable way to deal with their problems. Some get really involved in business, community work, religious activities. Others dwell on sex, a few resort to drugs. At least one writes a bunch of crazy stuff on Internet mailing list. This is another quick down and dirty essay for you, for what it is worth.

Please remember this, like everything else I write, though I may sound like I am writing gospel, is just one man's opinion. I am wrong as often as I am right. If you were on the list you may remember I speculated that when the ice caps melted and the sea rose we would have more islands.

Ugly American

-This was written by a List Guest, not an "ugly American. "Most of these American's have problems in the States too. And because of inability to adjust here, take advantage of the non combative ways of the Filipinos to be abusive despite their being treated very well. You will not suffer much from them as far as your reputation. Filipinos treat everyone as though they are basically good and don't judge everyone on the actions of a few. These few can be embarrassing to you. But do your homework, learn about the culture on this website and get the book I have on the website, Philippine Dreams, and the free e-course, read Culture Shock Philippines available from Amazon.com. Remember you always have this List as a resource to help you overcome cultural barriers. But you may not recognize you are involved in a "cultural thing," unless you do you due diligence and read the website, List, and the recommended books. They can change you live here for the better even if it is good, I do believe.

The List Guest Wrote:

I really liked your observations. It's funny because as your message came up my wife and I were chatting about how sure was I that I would like it in the Philippines when we make the full-time move, would I be able to deal with the situations that will inevitably come up that will irritate or frustrate me, etc.

As we well know from many reports here, such incidents will surely occur. Will I get frustrated or even angry at times? Well certainly, but my resolve is never to get into the situation where I start acting like the person you mentioned. In my trips there I have observed this kind of behavior by foreigners often. But I'm sure there the vast majority of foreigners never behave that way. It just isn't worth it.

You know the very first time I ever visited Manila I walked out of the customs hall at NAIA with nothing but the name of a hotel were I was supposed to meet my wife to be (separate rooms, you can be sure of that LoL) and her cell phone number. I had no change for a phone and didn't even see a public phone at first. What I did see was a policeman on the sidewalk so I went to him and asked him if he knew where a phone was and where I could changes some bills for the phone. He immediately led me to a phone, took his own phone card out of his pocket, stuck it in the phone and helped me dial the number when I couldn't get through (remember you have to add in the '0' when calling in-country and omit it when calling internationally). After I confirmed all was ok, he asked me where I was going, took me to a taxi, showed the driver the address and made sure the driver knew where it was and negotiated a very fair fare. he asked for nothing in return, I later found out it would have been appropriate to tip him something but I didn't know the rules and didn't want to get in trouble bribing a policeman. yeah, I know, I'm kuripot LoL.

I couldn't help thinking what cop on patrol at a US airport would have done and how big a smile would have been on his face as I departed. Frankly, that first night has set the tone for everyvisit I've made. People in the Philippines will treat you at _least_ as well as you treat them. Many times, as in the case, you described they will treat foreigners much better than they deserve.

On our last visit, while waiting to clear through the BID booths at NAIA (by the way, my wife, as a Filipino had been on line to dutifully pay her travel tax when the tax lady saw that my wife had a US green card she immediately bypassed her, she could have collected the tax and neither of us would have been the wiser), and American got into one of the lines next to us. I know he was an American because he was loudly telling one of his friends how he was from Oxnard California, how stupid and backward the Philippines were, how rude and asinine the Filipino were, how everyone in a uniform in the Philippines was a crook, and on and on and on .. in a very, very loud voice. I was sooo embarrassed to hear this fellow American spouting off like this I dearly wished I had another country's passport to show.

The people in the immigration booths took no apparent notice of him, he was processed through like everyone else and after we were in the departure lounge he quieted down.

Arriving at LAX there was (no surprise) a huge line at immigration. There were some very confusing signs directing people into various lines and a very fat, loud USCIS officer walking back and forth through the crowd bellowing, (I kid you not) "What's the matter with you people, can't you read English?" What a welcome to America *sigh*

My wife and I saw the line for green card holders and it was very short. She went first and the officer let me through with her, _way_ ahead of everyone in the "US Passport" line. Last we saw of "Mr. Oxnard" he was 75 or so people back from the booth just standing in line meek and mild as milk toast. I literally had to bite my lip to keep from hollering back at him. "Hey _Mouth_, why aren't you bitching about inefficiency and stupidity now?"

The answer of course, id the man suffered from a superiority complex and probably more than his share of cowardice. He bullied people and bellowed in the Philippines because he thought he was getting away with something and because he (obviously) did not feel Filipinos deserved the same respect as he did. When he saw American authorities he zipped his lip ... what a phony.

Long story. Moral? You'll get treated as good as you deserve and quite possibly better than you deserve. Based on my actual experiences.

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