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Written: by a foreigner who get married with a
FILIPINA
Hi, I had a similar
experience with my .....ex........Filipina wife. I call
it the "sup to u, sup to me" syndrome. When I met her
here in Cebu about 9 years ago she was as sweet as could
be. Anyone meeting her would say she would be a great
bet for a wife and many people did say that and I
thought so also. Everything we did was always my
decision. Where shall we go today Hon "sup to you" what
would you like to order off the menu "sup to you", what
movie would you like to watch? "sup to you" on and on,
everything sup to you.
Then I brought her back to Alaska on a fiancée visa and
married her and we had a son and then any decision from
that point on was "sup to me"! She was, and still is a
good girl in most ways, never drank or smoked or used
drugs, didn't cheat etc etc but she turned out to be the
most hard headed, obdurate, intractable woman I have
ever known in my life! She became acquainted with a lot
of other Filipina Americans who quickly let her in on
the situation in America..."you don't have to listen to
him any more, just do what you want." She knew from the
start that I wanted to live here in the PI and planned
to balikbayan for a few years b4 retiring completely
here, but once she got to the states she just stubbornly
refused to return to the PI under any circumstances. She
was completely beyond persuasion and in fact wouldn't
even listen to any of my reasoning, just continually
said NO! (SUP TO ME)
So don't anyone count on the sweet loving faithful
Filipina wife returning to live here. Some do but many
don't. I still have a hard time grasping the change in
her attitude. Now we are in a messy argument about my
visitation with my son...another topic! I'm re-married
here in Cebu and will in no circumstance take my new
wife to the states, even though she does hound me about
it occasionally.
She knew exactly my thoughts on the subject when we were
married. I love life in the Philippines and intend to
stay here and keep my wife a sweet Filipina here in this
country. I've seen and heard of too many Filipinas who
became Americana diretcho when they got off the plane. I
could have found a woman like that without leaving the
states if that's what I wanted.
Good luck to all, they do make good wives, even in the
states as long as you are willing to be submissive to
their will and live in the U.S. SUP TO YOU, SUP TO
HER.........
How to tell if your Net girlfriend is scamming you.
One of the livinginthephilippines3 members said;
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One of the List resource people wrote to a List
guest the following, a foreigner who was having
second thoughts about marrying a Guest
Relationship Officer, (GRO) his girlfriend and
fiancée he met in a bar/karaoke.
John wrote:
So you have fallen into the trap by meeting a
gorgeous, shy little GRO, and you feel at this
moment that you want to marry her. OK, but first
let me tell you a little story.
I ran a girlie bar in Manila for just over 5
years. I soon found out the ground rules, and
although I didn't approve of them, they were the
rules.
Girls were bought from their parents in the
provinces for as little as P2000.00, we went on
regular shopping trips and I found the whole thing
distasteful but that was how it was done.
They traveled back to Manila on the bus, while we
came back in a chauffeur driven limo. As soon as
they arrived, the teaching process began. Most of
the teaching was done by the senior GRO's or more
experienced girls at the bar.
The No. 1 Rule is that you are no longer free, you
have been purchased by the boss and your parents
have been rewarded, do not let your parents down!
You are not allowed to go out without written
permission from your boss or when you are
bar-fined, but then you must arrange this with the
Head Geisha.
You belong to the Boss as if you are married to
him. You are not allowed to have a personal
boyfriend. Every male is your boyfriend, but only
if they pay your bar-fine. If you are bar-fined,
you must be back on these premises by Noon the
following day. If you are late you will be fined
and the money will be taken from your salary.
After these ground rules were learnt, the girls
settled in and were taught how to please a male by
dancing, flirting, massage, and sex. At first I
thought I was in paradise with a line of 18 year
olds queuing up out side my bedroom door.
But the novelty soon wore off, believe me. The
quiet girls were taught that shyness was a tool
they could use,
because loads of guys are turned on by the sexy
little shy one. She acts like the virgin and the
little girl lost.
Do not let this fool you. She, like all the
others, are in this business to make money for the
bar, the object of the exercise is to get the guy
to buy loads of ladies drinks and then Bar-fine as
many girls as he can handle. All the tricks in the
book are used to get the cash out of your pocket
and into the till.
Girls under the age of 21 are not allowed to drink
alcohol, so if you ply her with drink and take her
out, you could get into trouble with the Police,
that's if somebody reports you. Big heavy fine,
and money all around for the corrupt police and
their informers.
Another thing is that if you are dating your
girlfriend without paying a bar-fine, she will get
into serious trouble with her boss, and you will
probably be taught a little lesson by a few
heavies that creep up on you from nowhere. I know.
I have woken up a few times in the rat infested
gutter, with my nose out of joint, all because of
a shy little GRO.
OK you think you love her and want to marry her.
You say you are 45. By the time she is 25 and at
her sexual peak, you will be in your 50's. She
will go back to the bar, she will want to show off
to her old friends that she is now all grown up,
and she has her old husband paying for everything
she wants in life. Plus he is paying for everything her parents want....and the sisters
and brothers... and the 500 or so cousins that are
waiting in line for their share.
She will see the girls in her old place of work,
having a good time with the punters, while all she
has to look forward to that day is a pile of
washing and ironing. She will be very tempted to
have just one drink with an old flame and listen
to his drunken promises. She will probably take
him to a short time hotel and earn some extra housekeeping by just laying on her back for an
hour or so. Eventually you will get suspicious,
the rows will start, She will go back to work in
the bar. The end!
Sorry mate, there are hundreds of thousands of
gorgeous decent Filipino girls in this world, all
looking for the man of their dreams, and all
wanting to settle down, start a family and live
Happily Ever After. You are a little bit like
myself. I too fell in love with a GRO, but a good
friend warned me of the dangers, I lived with her for a couple of years and we had some
great times, but she would always go back to the
bar to see her friends once a week, then twice a
week, making excuses, coming home at 4 in the
morning, drunk and clothes torn. Then into Shabu
[methamphetamine, speed, crank.] Bye bye little
shy GRO. Now probably dead.
It will be hard to make the break, but you must.
Remain good friends but please don't marry her.
Because she is already married...TO THE BAR
By: JOHN HARMAN. 3-21-05 by permission
There is a saying, "You can take the girl out of
the bar, but you can't take the bar out of the
girl." I believe this is true most of the time,
certainly from what I have seen in the past 15
years. There are exceptions, but rare. The bar is
exciting. Provincial girls become idols of
customers, stars in their own eyes, make tight
friendships in the bars. But some girls find a
boyfriend before they get hung up with the life.
But that is rare. There is usually always some
problem that brought them to this, in addition to
poverty, they can't shake.
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Should You and Older Guy Have Children With Your Younger Filipina Wife?
The answer is probably yes. You may want one and she will for sure, if she is the average Filipina. But keep mind, studies show fathers are five times more likely to have children with birth defects.
One recent study has shown that the risk of chromosomal abnormalities such as Down's syndrome rises with the father's age. And the risk begins to increase in men as young as 35. Most guys here are way over that age before they get married. The study is important in that is is the first one studying older men who have fathered children with women under 30.
Previous research has suggested older men might be more likely to have children with certain birth defects. But the new study is the first to quantify the risk according to rising paternal age. It shows that it is not just women who need to keep an eye on the biological clock when it comes to having children. That was already documented.
The researchers from the U.S. and Denmark, whose study is based on more than 70,000 births, say the findings show the rate of mutations in germ cells, which may cause congenital malformations, increases faster in men than in women.
Researcher Dr Jorn Olsen, of the University of California, said: 'So far, increasing maternal age is the most important, perhaps the only well-documented risk factor, and evidence of a paternal age effect is missing.' There has been very little study of older fathers despite publicity given to such celebrities as Clint Eastwood who had a daughter at 67. In the new study published this month in the medical journal Human Reproduction, researchers from the National Institutes of Health in the U.S. He used unique Danish fertility data covering ages of parents as well as details on births.
The analysis was restricted to couples in which the mother was aged under 29, but the father was any age over 20. A total of 71,397 births were included. The researchers compared malformation rates in the children with the age of the fathers. The results of the study are startling: A 45-year-old man is almost three times more likely to father a Down's syndrome child than a man aged under 30.
For men over 50, the risk is almost fivefold.
The risk of having a child with a cleft lip doubles when the man is aged over 50. The results show the risk of some congenital conditions starts to rise when the father is aged between 35 and 40. Researchers, medical doctors have done recent studies. There results indicate fathers of advanced age, may be associated are more likely to have children with birth defects including but not limited to Down's syndrome.
They find a significant association between paternal age and malformation of extremities, as well as Down's.' The researchers also point out that deaths such as stillbirths also increase with advancing age of the father. This indicates the total effects of paternal age may be even greater. So before you make the decision to have a child with your younger wife, do consider this risk. Studies show death at birth correlates with paternal age, including the mothers age, not much of a problem her for foreigners who usually have much younger wives.
It is probably not just age that causes the problems, but the environmental damage that comes with age. The organs involved in sperm production can be affected by smoking, sunlight, lifestyle and others.
Yes, there are a lot of older guys with young wife's walking around happy as larks with them and their healthy kids at the shopping malls. But the sad cases you don't hear about or see. To many don't make it out of the womb alive. We can only hope that test are developed that will give us an indication of how safe it would be to have a child over a certain age. Until then we will just have to weigh what odds we have, do some soul searching and make out best judgment. But I don't think it is wise for a 70 years old guy to have a vasectomy reversal, chancy at best, in an attempt to have a child that may never grow up and if he does suffer from a serious birth defect.
More Pages:
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Why Filipinas appreciate
western men, speculation from my experience. .
First, the Filipino man is a problem, I feel.
Women here get the dirty end of the stick, like in
many Asian countries. But in these Asian countries
where it happens it is not considered the "dirty
end," but a duty. And the women don't necessarily
want it another way. They have way of turning the
dirt into gold and control.
I mentioned in a previously, a woman who commits
adultery can go to jail. But she would not dare.
The social pressures would destroy her as it does
many mistresses. A man is in de facto pretty much
exempt from that law. It may be enforced if the
wife has money, status and power of her own. But
she will lose face and she loses her husband.
I just read in the paper today that a city
official is implementing a program to train wives
so they will not be "naggers." (Bimbo may be
strange name to you. If you live here for any
length of time, you would not blink your eyes at
such a name) Councilman Bimbo feels that wife
abuse cases will go down if women are taught to
accept the behavior of their husbands.
I talked to some Filipinos and Filipinas about it
including my house helpers. They feel
it is a good idea. (Maybe some are putting me on.
Filipinos will tell you what they think you want
to hear. They like to make you happy. It doe not
make me happy or sad. I just want to know their
feelings) And even I believe it will. But I don't
think that is the right answer because it would
probably work. But you could kill all the naggers
too. That would work for sure, but not a grand
solution.
The Filipino husbands have been often spoiled by
their parents and sisters and expect
to be spoiled by their wives. So the wives too
spoil them: comb their
hair, bath them, cook for them, etc. They put up
with their
unfaithfulness. A woman "martyr" is admired, a
good woman. If they do this they are considered a
good wife. If they don't they are considered a
disgrace. A woman who does not honor her husband ,
be foreigner or Filipino above all is considered
culturally insane. A Filipino wife who is
provincial will get upset if you carry your own
bag. She feels it is her place to carry it for you
and if you don't let her she will be embarrassed.
If she can't provide a boy baby, the man has the
right to seek a
mistress and have another family, if he can afford
it. Mistresses can
be had on almost any pretext. Why is it like that?
Everybody, even
women want boy children. If there is one peanut
left to eat the boy
gets both pieces. The father often pays little
attention to the girls
and worships his boys, especially the older one,
who will carry his
name. The girls are sent out to work while the
boy's education is
first. If money is left over the girl gets
educated. The all compete
for parental attention, particularly the fathers
or kuya who is the
oldest boy.
Girls, at first, don't get much affection from
their fathers. And the families are often large,
many children one father. So when they get a man,
they most often really appreciate it. They want to
touch him, be
close to him and care for him. They often are
terrified that he will
stray, but accept. Daughters often become
favorites of there father, may times because of
manipulation skills honed to a fine edge our of
necessity. These skill follow on into marriage an
they my dominate the man without him even knowing
it.
A foreign side bar for the style page: please run
the spelling checker on it too.
---------------------------------
Why Filipinas appreciate western men,speculation
from my experience. . .
First, the Filipino man is a problem, I feel.
Women here get the dirty
end of the stick, like in many Asian countries.
But in these Asian countries where it happens it
is not considered the "dirty end," but a duty. And
the women don't necessarily want it another way.
They have way of turning the dirt into gold and
control.
I mentioned in a previously, a woman who
commits adultery can go to jail. But she would not
dare. The social
pressures would destroy her as it does many
mistresses. A man is in de facto pretty much
exempt from that law. It may be enforced if the
wife has money, status and power of her own. But
she will lose face and she loses her husband.
I just read in the paper today that a city
official is implementing a program to train wives
so they will not be
"naggers."(Bimbo may be strange name to you. If
you live here for any length of time, you would
not blink your eyes at such a name) Councilman
Bimbo feels that wife abuse cases will go down if
women are
taught to accept the behavior of their husbands.
I talked to some Filipinos and Filipinas about it
including my house helpers. They feel
it is a good idea. (Maybe some are putting me on.
Filipinos will tell you what they think you want
to hear. They like to make you happy. It doe not
make me happy or sad. I just want to know their
feelings) And even I believe it will. But I don't
think that is the right answer because it would
probably work. But you could kill all the naggers
too. That would work for sure, but not a grand
solution.
The Filipino husbands have been often spoiled by
their parents and sisters and expect
to be spoiled by their wives. So the wives too
spoil them: comb their
hair, bath them, cook for them, etc. They put up
with their
unfaithfulness. A woman "martyr" is admired, a
good woman. If they do this they are considered a
good wife. If
they don't they are considered a disgrace. A woman
who does not honor
her husband , be foreigner or Filipino above all
is considered
culturally insane. A Filipino wife who is
provincial will get upset if
you carry your own bag. She feels it is her place
to carry it for you
and if you don't let her she will be embarrassed.
If she can't provide a boy baby, the man has the
right to seek a
mistress and have another family, if he can afford
it. Mistresses can
be had on almost any pretext. Why is it like that?
Everybody, even
women want boy children. If there is one peanut
left to eat the boy
gets both pieces. The father often pays little
attention to the girls
and worships his boys, especially the older one,
who will carry his
name. The girls are sent out to work while the
boy's education is
first. If money is left over the girl gets
educated. The all compete
for parental attention, particularly the fathers
or kuya who is the
oldest boy.
Girls, at first, don't get much affection from
their fathers. And the families are often large,
many children one father. So when they get a man,
they most often really appreciate it. They want to
touch him, be
close to him and care for him. They often are
terrified that he will
stray, but accept. Daughters often become
favorites of there father, may times because of
manipulation skills honed to a fine edge our of
necessity. These skill follow on into marriage an
they my dominate the man without him even knowing
it.
A foreigner does not have that much leeway as a Filipino
man. Filipinas wives expect more from him,
loyalty, faithfulness, there idea of the Western
man, especially after they have live in a
developed Western country and been enlightened by
the women there who in my opinion control the
country.
As for fat and age, they are both pluses. Age gets
respect here. And fat
means you can afford to feed your family. Skinny
does not make it. I
told my present girl friend I wanted to lose some
of my belly and she got upset. She was confused
and asked "Why?" Some say this is because
Filipinas /os They have a "colonial"
mentality. Their history of domination by the
Spanish and then us made them this way. Anything
foreign is better than local, including human
beings to some of the those really brainwashed.
A girl asked me "Do Americans hate liars." I said
some do and some
don't. I said that some lie a lot so they might scream a lot when
someone lies to them. She said she did not believe
Americans lied. I said watch me. :)
Nobody wants to be a Filipino. Even the men want
to go to the States. I had a couple of young men
over here the other day. They were college
students, first year, small and dark skinned. They
wanted badly to go to the States. They said the
women in the States
were beautiful. All they see is the movie stars on
TV. I told them
might not stand a chance with one of these Stars.
The said they wanted to try. They knew American
women were very liberal and would have sex
with anyone. I told them I didn't know that.
Filipino men do not marry
non virgins.
If a girl is a not virgin they know their only
chance is a foreigner.
If the have a child they think even a foreigner
will not marry them
regardless of how beautiful, talented and educated
they may be. I saw an 18 year old I know
casually at the coffee shop this morning. Her
former boy friend gave her a girl child and left
for another woman he married. She is stunningly
beautiful. She said "Is it possible an American
would marry me?" I said, "Maybe." Her name is
Jane. Any takers? She works at a bakery making
about $25 per month, is a high
school graduate and reasonably intelligent, but
eighteen. She supports her child and pays for here
own maid, a sixteen year old who works for a few
pesos a month and food. She does not think she is
desirable because she is too skinny. An over
weight American girl would give several limbs to
have a body like hers.
Do you think Jane is interested in a Green Card?
She does not know what one is. Is it money? Yes.
But even more she also wants someone who will
accept her and love her and her child. A foreigner
might. A
Filipino man will certainly not. His family would
disown him, a fate worse than death in this
culture. The problem with Jane is like the
problem with bar girls. They have been told by
society the have no
value. They begin to believe that and have no
value. Jane has not gone that far yet, but that is
where she is headed and so are many more
like her.
So most Foreigners marry the first Filipina they
come in contact, the "first Filipina syndrome."
some of us old timers say. They
say never will I find another like this one, as
good and wonderful
caring and as beautiful. Not so. They lurk around
every corner. The
guy. after he has been here a while, says to
himself, "Why on God's
green earth did I marry this one or get married at
all. It is not that she is not a fine lady, she is
a wonderful lady, but now I know what I could have
had. There is a lot of greener grass on this earth
than I first saw and with which I took roots."
It is a matter of bonding too quickly from a distance. I have
counseled guys about this. But they are already in
love and you might as well be talking to a post.
They may hate you for raining on their parade. I
don't do that any more. Later they see the light
and say, "Oh, why didn't you tell me?"
Often the women who are on pen pals lists and you
meet on chat looking for a foreigner are women who
are smart enough to be dissatisfied. They are
often unhappy, are non virgins, have children or
really dissatisfied with life in general. I feel
it is better to come here,
shop around, and find one who would never consider
a pen pal list
because she is very happy. In my very limited
personal experience the ones on pen pal lists
generally have emotional problems that are
difficult. The hearsay I get gives strong support
for my the conclusions I made from my limited
experience.
But if you marry one, pen, Net pal or not, who is
already happy, contented, you stand a
better chance of success. And success is hard
because of the usual age
differences and vas but not apparent culture
divide. They are decieving like us and we like
the, but it is surface only.
I don't have the figures but I speculate
more marriages fail than prosper though you don't
hear as much about the failures. Guys brag about
what a great Filipina wife they have
when it works out. They don't mention it when they
have had a bad
experience, or at least not as much. And often
they know it is not
their fault or the fault of the Filipina. Some of
the brighter ones come to understand that a
Filipina, because she is Filipino, is happier with
a man from her own culture, who she can relate to.
She
really wants someone she can go to the cemetery on
Holy Week, the fiesta with and
see what she sees, feels what she feels,
experiences and enjoys the
same things she does. Evens when they fail, there is
something compelling about the Filipina. They,
like I did come back for more, despite the pain
they suffer for the first or second. Filipinas are
addictive, but not necessarily dangerous to your
health. But they could be, one with a temper and a
bolo. I had one of those.
A foreigner should, thought it is hard to fathom,
that the extended family is more important than
the individual. One who understands that
understands why they must sacrifice personal
happiness for the happiness of the group. One who
knows that, knows the town
fiesta is not just a bunch of people eating and
drinking. But they know is a anticipated
opportunity to visit with people who are a part of
you, who you grew
up with, who you care about. They know all these
town mates are her
brothers and sisters, a lot more than friends.
Now if the girl, woman is insecure, has a poor
self image or needs
status badly or both, being married to a foreigner
may be the only thing that
can bestow that status on her. And she will stick
with him through
thick and thin to keep it. Having the approval of
others is the main
goal of Filipino life, especially when those
others are members of the
f-a-m-i-l-y. the extended one. The expatriate is a
marginal person
here. He is not Filipino. And he does not have his
culture to support
him. He will never be a Filipino nor does he want
to be one. He cannot
divorce himself from his culture and will never
anything but an object
of curiosity to those in the culture he is in.
He is a foreigner first and foremost, and
respected for it. But when it comes to serious
things he cannot be expected to understand because
he is "just a foreigner." Life is hard for the
foreign male here. Not
being used to the culture and attention he becomes
confused,
disoriented and often turns to hanging around bars
with other
foreigners who are just as confused as he is. I
have seen so many go
to drink because of constant stress of being in
demand and not knowing why. He is wondering if
they want him for his money, for his status or for
him. He often ends up hating the country and the
people because of the stress.
Things are changing. No culture is static. But
cultural values change slow especially in the
rural areas, as they say here "the province."
Fat foreigners, old men, are just not used to
being the objects of
admiration, status and desire. Others take up more
socially acceptable way to deal with their
problems. Some get really involved in business,
community work, religious activities. Others dwell
on sex, a few
resort to drugs. At least one, me, writes a bunch
of crazy stuff on
Internet mailing list. This is another quick down
and dirty essay for
you, for what it is worth.
Please remember this, like everything else I
write, though I may sound like I am writing
gospel, is just one man's opinion. I am wrong as
often as I am right. If you were on the list you
may remember I
speculated that when the ice caps melted and the
sea rose we would
have more islands.
(From an old post on Livinginthephilippines before
it was deleted by a vandal) |
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