Living in The Philippines > Expat life in Philippines

Problems leaving our children & moving to RP

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steveinvisayas:

--- Quote from: michael16136 on March 22, 2008, 04:24:14 PM ---Thanks Rufus. As the recently-deceased Kurt Vonnegut said:  \"Still and all, why bother? Here\'s my answer. Many people need desperately to receive this message: I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people do not care about them. You are not alone.\"

--- End quote ---

Yes that\'s it Michael: the essence of social support, so greatly under appreciated until it\'s needed is just that- Hearing \"I understand, I care, you are not alone\". Excellent stuff. Now if I could only get my 35 year old son to believe it! He is feeling the impending absence of his father (moi) traipsing off to Mindanao and surely does not understand the need (his need) to build an alternate support system. This worries me but I am powerless to make that man (or any man, woman, child) act in his best interest. I will work on processing my guilt and accepting my powerlessness to \'fix his life\'. But I wish I could, I truly do.

Steve

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--- Quote from: steveinvisayas on March 23, 2008, 12:53:21 AM ---
Yes that\'s it Michael: the essence of social support, so greatly under appreciated until it\'s needed is just that- Hearing \"I understand, I care, you are not alone\". Excellent stuff. Now if I could only get my 35 year old son to believe it! He is feeling the impending absence of his father (moi) traipsing off to Mindanao and surely does not understand the need (his need) to build an alternate support system. This worries me but I am powerless to make that man (or any man, woman, child) act in his best interest. I will work on processing my guilt and accepting my powerlessness to \'fix his life\'. But I wish I could, I truly do.

Steve

--- End quote ---

I can understand how you feel about your son. When my first wife left me, I insisted that my two daughter, then in their late teens, stay with me, they were my family and I felt responsible for them. However they caused me a lot of problems, and even more when I married Bing two years later. I eventually had to throw them out of the house, they were my children but I had my own life to lead.They are now 38 and 40, and have basically made a mess of there lives. I do phone them occasionally, but I do not feel any guilt.

Colin

steveinvisayas:

--- Quote from: Colin on March 23, 2008, 07:47:50 AM ---
I can understand how you feel about your son. When my first wife left me, I insisted that my two daughter, then in their late teens, stay with me, they were my family and I felt responsible for them. However they caused me a lot of problems, and even more when I married Bing two years later. I eventually had to throw them out of the house, they were my children but I had my own life to lead.They are now 38 and 40, and have basically made a mess of there lives. I do phone them occasionally, but I do not feel any guilt.

Colin

--- End quote ---

As I\'m busy letting go of my current home and shifting to being in my new home, a lot of stuff like that is wanting to come up. I\'m glad to hear your experience Colin since it is so similar to mine. Maybe the fate of my son doesn\'t rest on my shoulders after all. Hmmmm, yes I see. Well good then, I will set out with a lighter heart.

Thanks

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--- Quote from: steveinvisayas on March 23, 2008, 09:11:00 AM ---
--- Quote from: Colin on March 23, 2008, 07:47:50 AM ---
I can understand how you feel about your son. When my first wife left me, I insisted that my two daughter, then in their late teens, stay with me, they were my family and I felt responsible for them. However they caused me a lot of problems, and even more when I married Bing two years later. I eventually had to throw them out of the house, they were my children but I had my own life to lead.They are now 38 and 40, and have basically made a mess of there lives. I do phone them occasionally, but I do not feel any guilt.

Colin

--- End quote ---

As I\'m busy letting go of my current home and shifting to being in my new home, a lot of stuff like that is wanting to come up. I\'m glad to hear your experience Colin since it is so similar to mine. Maybe the fate of my son doesn\'t rest on my shoulders after all. Hmmmm, yes I see. Well good then, I will set out with a lighter heart.

Thanks

--- End quote ---

Steve,

A similar story from me. When I first left the UK my daughter had her own apartment & my then 18 year old son still at home (already separated from the wife). I thought this was a good opportunity for him to take some responsibility & left him in charge. Well short time later & my daughter needed to save money for a planned move to work in Ibiza, so wanted to move back home. Alarm bells rang (she is older than my Son) but she persuaded me that it was only for a couple of months. Well, zoom forward 4 months & she is still there & I am getting phone calls in Hong Kong with the 2 of them trying to kill each other. After a while of trying to be peace maker, they gave me an ultimatum....one had to leave & I had to choose which. I said that was a no win, as the one I choose would hold it against me. Well as my Son had never lived anywhere else but there, I told my daughter she had said it was only a temporary move anyway & just because she had changed her mind over Ibiza wasn\'t my Son\'s fault & she should be the one to leave.

Zoom forward again.......she has not spoken to me since then, she is married, not invited, has a baby, not seen my granddaughter.  :(

My view, I did my bit in bringing them up to be strong individuals, able to make decisions & make their way in the world. I have a new life too & I don\'t seek their permission on my decisions either.

Que sera sera (what will be, will be)

steveinvisayas:

--- Quote from: uzicom on March 23, 2008, 12:28:24 PM ---
Steve,

A similar story from me. When I first left the UK my daughter had her own apartment & my then 18 year old son still at home (already separated from the wife). I thought this was a good opportunity for him to take some responsibility & left him in charge. Well short time later & my daughter needed to save money for a planned move to work in Ibiza, so wanted to move back home. Alarm bells rang (she is older than my Son) but she persuaded me that it was only for a couple of months. Well, zoom forward 4 months & she is still there & I am getting phone calls in Hong Kong with the 2 of them trying to kill each other. After a while of trying to be peace maker, they gave me an ultimatum....one had to leave & I had to choose which. I said that was a no win, as the one I choose would hold it against me. Well as my Son had never lived anywhere else but there, I told my daughter she had said it was only a temporary move anyway & just because she had changed her mind over Ibiza wasn\'t my Son\'s fault & she should be the one to leave.

Zoom forward again.......she has not spoken to me since then, she is married, not invited, has a baby, not seen my granddaughter.  :(

My view, I did my bit in bringing them up to be strong individuals, able to make decisions & make their way in the world. I have a new life too & I don\'t seek their permission on my decisions either.

Que sera sera (what will be, will be)

--- End quote ---

Keith,

Ah I also have a daughter who has chosen to remain aloof, sadly. Recently I have taken her out of my will as \'if she doesn\'t give an F, then fine, we\'re done...B\'bye\'. This saddens me but I have no control, once again. I appreciate your mentioning this (your experience) as I resonate!

I\'m about to embark on the move over and my posting will be light for the next couple months, but I very much appreciate this Forum and I will be back once settled.

I appreciate your sharing here Keith,

Steve

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