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Author Topic: Problems leaving our children & moving to RP  (Read 6157 times)

Offline steveinvisayas

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Problems leaving our children & moving to RP
« on: March 23, 2008, 12:53:21 AM »
Thanks Rufus. As the recently-deceased Kurt Vonnegut said:  \"Still and all, why bother? Here\'s my answer. Many people need desperately to receive this message: I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people do not care about them. You are not alone.\"

Yes that\'s it Michael: the essence of social support, so greatly under appreciated until it\'s needed is just that- Hearing \"I understand, I care, you are not alone\". Excellent stuff. Now if I could only get my 35 year old son to believe it! He is feeling the impending absence of his father (moi) traipsing off to Mindanao and surely does not understand the need (his need) to build an alternate support system. This worries me but I am powerless to make that man (or any man, woman, child) act in his best interest. I will work on processing my guilt and accepting my powerlessness to \'fix his life\'. But I wish I could, I truly do.

Steve
Steve Crawford
Damilag, Bukidnon

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Re: Problems leaving our children & moving to RP
« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2008, 07:47:50 AM »

Yes that\'s it Michael: the essence of social support, so greatly under appreciated until it\'s needed is just that- Hearing \"I understand, I care, you are not alone\". Excellent stuff. Now if I could only get my 35 year old son to believe it! He is feeling the impending absence of his father (moi) traipsing off to Mindanao and surely does not understand the need (his need) to build an alternate support system. This worries me but I am powerless to make that man (or any man, woman, child) act in his best interest. I will work on processing my guilt and accepting my powerlessness to \'fix his life\'. But I wish I could, I truly do.

Steve

I can understand how you feel about your son. When my first wife left me, I insisted that my two daughter, then in their late teens, stay with me, they were my family and I felt responsible for them. However they caused me a lot of problems, and even more when I married Bing two years later. I eventually had to throw them out of the house, they were my children but I had my own life to lead.They are now 38 and 40, and have basically made a mess of there lives. I do phone them occasionally, but I do not feel any guilt.

Colin

Offline steveinvisayas

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Re: Problems leaving our children & moving to RP
« Reply #2 on: March 23, 2008, 09:11:00 AM »

I can understand how you feel about your son. When my first wife left me, I insisted that my two daughter, then in their late teens, stay with me, they were my family and I felt responsible for them. However they caused me a lot of problems, and even more when I married Bing two years later. I eventually had to throw them out of the house, they were my children but I had my own life to lead.They are now 38 and 40, and have basically made a mess of there lives. I do phone them occasionally, but I do not feel any guilt.

Colin

As I\'m busy letting go of my current home and shifting to being in my new home, a lot of stuff like that is wanting to come up. I\'m glad to hear your experience Colin since it is so similar to mine. Maybe the fate of my son doesn\'t rest on my shoulders after all. Hmmmm, yes I see. Well good then, I will set out with a lighter heart.

Thanks
Steve Crawford
Damilag, Bukidnon

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Re: Problems leaving our children & moving to RP
« Reply #3 on: March 23, 2008, 12:28:24 PM »

I can understand how you feel about your son. When my first wife left me, I insisted that my two daughter, then in their late teens, stay with me, they were my family and I felt responsible for them. However they caused me a lot of problems, and even more when I married Bing two years later. I eventually had to throw them out of the house, they were my children but I had my own life to lead.They are now 38 and 40, and have basically made a mess of there lives. I do phone them occasionally, but I do not feel any guilt.

Colin

As I\'m busy letting go of my current home and shifting to being in my new home, a lot of stuff like that is wanting to come up. I\'m glad to hear your experience Colin since it is so similar to mine. Maybe the fate of my son doesn\'t rest on my shoulders after all. Hmmmm, yes I see. Well good then, I will set out with a lighter heart.

Thanks

Steve,

A similar story from me. When I first left the UK my daughter had her own apartment & my then 18 year old son still at home (already separated from the wife). I thought this was a good opportunity for him to take some responsibility & left him in charge. Well short time later & my daughter needed to save money for a planned move to work in Ibiza, so wanted to move back home. Alarm bells rang (she is older than my Son) but she persuaded me that it was only for a couple of months. Well, zoom forward 4 months & she is still there & I am getting phone calls in Hong Kong with the 2 of them trying to kill each other. After a while of trying to be peace maker, they gave me an ultimatum....one had to leave & I had to choose which. I said that was a no win, as the one I choose would hold it against me. Well as my Son had never lived anywhere else but there, I told my daughter she had said it was only a temporary move anyway & just because she had changed her mind over Ibiza wasn\'t my Son\'s fault & she should be the one to leave.

Zoom forward again.......she has not spoken to me since then, she is married, not invited, has a baby, not seen my granddaughter.  :(

My view, I did my bit in bringing them up to be strong individuals, able to make decisions & make their way in the world. I have a new life too & I don\'t seek their permission on my decisions either.

Que sera sera (what will be, will be)

Offline steveinvisayas

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Re: Problems leaving our children & moving to RP
« Reply #4 on: March 24, 2008, 03:12:52 PM »

Steve,

A similar story from me. When I first left the UK my daughter had her own apartment & my then 18 year old son still at home (already separated from the wife). I thought this was a good opportunity for him to take some responsibility & left him in charge. Well short time later & my daughter needed to save money for a planned move to work in Ibiza, so wanted to move back home. Alarm bells rang (she is older than my Son) but she persuaded me that it was only for a couple of months. Well, zoom forward 4 months & she is still there & I am getting phone calls in Hong Kong with the 2 of them trying to kill each other. After a while of trying to be peace maker, they gave me an ultimatum....one had to leave & I had to choose which. I said that was a no win, as the one I choose would hold it against me. Well as my Son had never lived anywhere else but there, I told my daughter she had said it was only a temporary move anyway & just because she had changed her mind over Ibiza wasn\'t my Son\'s fault & she should be the one to leave.

Zoom forward again.......she has not spoken to me since then, she is married, not invited, has a baby, not seen my granddaughter.  :(

My view, I did my bit in bringing them up to be strong individuals, able to make decisions & make their way in the world. I have a new life too & I don\'t seek their permission on my decisions either.

Que sera sera (what will be, will be)


Keith,

Ah I also have a daughter who has chosen to remain aloof, sadly. Recently I have taken her out of my will as \'if she doesn\'t give an F, then fine, we\'re done...B\'bye\'. This saddens me but I have no control, once again. I appreciate your mentioning this (your experience) as I resonate!

I\'m about to embark on the move over and my posting will be light for the next couple months, but I very much appreciate this Forum and I will be back once settled.

I appreciate your sharing here Keith,

Steve
Steve Crawford
Damilag, Bukidnon

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Re: Problems leaving our children & moving to RP
« Reply #5 on: March 24, 2008, 05:29:13 PM »

I can understand how you feel about your son. When my first wife left me, I insisted that my two daughter, then in their late teens, stay with me, they were my family and I felt responsible for them. However they caused me a lot of problems, and even more when I married Bing two years later. I eventually had to throw them out of the house, they were my children but I had my own life to lead.They are now 38 and 40, and have basically made a mess of there lives. I do phone them occasionally, but I do not feel any guilt.

Colin

As I\'m busy letting go of my current home and shifting to being in my new home, a lot of stuff like that is wanting to come up. I\'m glad to hear your experience Colin since it is so similar to mine. Maybe the fate of my son doesn\'t rest on my shoulders after all. Hmmmm, yes I see. Well good then, I will set out with a lighter heart.

Thanks

Steve,

A similar story from me. When I first left the UK my daughter had her own apartment & my then 18 year old son still at home (already separated from the wife). I thought this was a good opportunity for him to take some responsibility & left him in charge. Well short time later & my daughter needed to save money for a planned move to work in Ibiza, so wanted to move back home. Alarm bells rang (she is older than my Son) but she persuaded me that it was only for a couple of months. Well, zoom forward 4 months & she is still there & I am getting phone calls in Hong Kong with the 2 of them trying to kill each other. After a while of trying to be peace maker, they gave me an ultimatum....one had to leave & I had to choose which. I said that was a no win, as the one I choose would hold it against me. Well as my Son had never lived anywhere else but there, I told my daughter she had said it was only a temporary move anyway & just because she had changed her mind over Ibiza wasn\'t my Son\'s fault & she should be the one to leave.

Zoom forward again.......she has not spoken to me since then, she is married, not invited, has a baby, not seen my granddaughter.  :(

My view, I did my bit in bringing them up to be strong individuals, able to make decisions & make their way in the world. I have a new life too & I don\'t seek their permission on my decisions either.

Que sera sera (what will be, will be)


Keith,

Ah I also have a daughter who has chosen to remain aloof, sadly. Recently I have taken her out of my will as \'if she doesn\'t give an F, then fine, we\'re done...B\'bye\'. This saddens me but I have no control, once again. I appreciate your mentioning this (your experience) as I resonate!

I\'m about to embark on the move over and my posting will be light for the next couple months, but I very much appreciate this Forum and I will be back once settled.

I appreciate your sharing here Keith,

Steve

I have a friend in the UK who also has not had anything to do with his daughter for many years. I find it hard to understand why children behave that way. When my mother was alive I used to speak to her regularly on the phone, drive two hours to visit her several times a year (my youngest brother had moved back and was living with her) and she would have a holiday with us once a year. We did have some differences, but it was a natural family obligation. I cannot cut my daughters out of my will because they are not in it  :) When Bing and I married with made our will totally in each others favour with a promise that we would do the right thing with each others family. If Bing doesn\'t, then I wont loose any sleep over it  ;D

Colin

Offline stillbilly2002

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Re: Problems leaving our children & moving to RP
« Reply #6 on: March 26, 2008, 02:10:58 AM »
I dont think i have heard a more serious thread  , a more personal thread  , from our most senior members.....and im not talking about age.....takes a lot of  personal fortitude.. to let people know a little bit more about yourselves.....my wifes best friend when she moved to USA...his grown children hated her... told her to get her behind back to the Philippines...they didnt want her horning in on all the good stuff..........selfish.... :) billy2002

Offline coutts00

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Re: Problems leaving our children & moving to RP
« Reply #7 on: March 26, 2008, 02:21:11 AM »
I still have an 11yr old and 13yr old in Los Angeles, they live there with their mother, my ex. When Noreen and I were there, it became an overstay issue for her, so we came here, its hard to choose your kids or your wife. How do you make the choice?

She wanted to stay but I could not risk it. I miss them every day, their growing up and my sons smiles, his cheeky grin, still says I am his hero, haven\'t seen him for 9 months. My daughter the older one spent most of her time with her grandmother and grew up to fast always being around adults not kids her own age, has never had time for me, didn\'t want to spend time with me, now she has been emailing complaining her dad is not around for her, what do I do?

This is one of the things that aids the temper my wife spoke of and the relationship with the ex, who whenever we speak only asks for more money.

Wayne
Wayne  ;D ;D

Offline steveinvisayas

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Re: Problems leaving our children & moving to RP
« Reply #8 on: March 26, 2008, 11:23:14 AM »
I still have an 11yr old and 13yr old in Los Angeles, they live there with their mother, my ex. When Noreen and I were there, it became an overstay issue for her, so we came here, its hard to choose your kids or your wife. How do you make the choice?

She wanted to stay but I could not risk it. I miss them every day, their growing up and my sons smiles, his cheeky grin, still says I am his hero, haven\'t seen him for 9 months. My daughter the older one spent most of her time with her grandmother and grew up to fast always being around adults not kids her own age, has never had time for me, didn\'t want to spend time with me, now she has been emailing complaining her dad is not around for her, what do I do?

This is one of the things that aids the temper my wife spoke of and the relationship with the ex, who whenever we speak only asks for more money.

Wayne

Wayne, Billy,

Thanks for chiming in Billy. Don\'t you think this Forum format helps people get in a little (a lot?) deeper in these discussions? I know I feel heard and understood even if not always totally agreed with!

I guess it\'s easier for me that my daughter is now 30 and my son 35. She dropped out of sight years ago due probably to her mother and step-father (may they die soon  ;) ). Man. That pain ran deep for quite awhile but now I\'m moving home to PI and I just felt like I wanted her out of my will before I left. I have other fish to fry, a whole new family I\'m joining in Mindanao. As for my son it will be a good wake up call from his self-induced slumber to have The Bank of Dad 6000 miles away. Sharing this here has allowed me to process some of my conflicted feelings- and I do feel better.

It is harder (for me) with younger children- to leave them, to choose another woman than their mother. My ex-also only wanted money when she showed up. I figured out what her price was and had her sign the house over to me. She disappeared after that. I wonder what your daughter would say to an invitation to visit you in the PI Wayne? Assuming that would be acceptable to Noreen and yourself. I would love for my son to visit but it will take him some years to straighten out his life legally and financially. It\'s different when you are dealing with adults not kids.

Today starts the series of events that will see me in Cebu April 8. Posting will be light for awhile. I had plenty of time last week but it was one of the most boring weeks ever!

Take care all,   Steve
Steve Crawford
Damilag, Bukidnon

Offline michael16136

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Re: Problems leaving our children & moving to RP
« Reply #9 on: March 26, 2008, 01:20:39 PM »
I have three kids, the youngest of whom is 29, and I haven\'t seen them in five years, though we do talk and email. I didn\'t leave until they were on their own; finished with at least their undergraduate degrees and well-launched in grad. school or careers. Still, there\'s some lingering guilt. On the other hand, at some point in your life I think it\'s okay to assert: \"It\'s my turn now,\" and do what holds the promise of making you happy, or at least happier than you were in the US or wherever you came from. The older I get, the more conscious I am of the dwindling amount of \"quality\" time left, and the more determined I become to maximize the value of that time by doing what\'s pleasing to me.

I\'ve finally accepted the fact that, once you\'ve done the best you can to honor whatever moral obligations you have, it\'s okay to get selfish for the balance of the time you have and to concentrate on your own happiness.

kingneptune

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Re: Problems leaving our children & moving to RP
« Reply #10 on: April 01, 2008, 07:28:39 AM »
One of the biggest problems I have is folks just \'up and leaving, selling everything, etc\'.  I had to approach relocating to the Philippines in my own way, of course we each have our own ways, so if those folks want to up and sell, that\'s up to them.

As for us.  I retired from the military and still young enough to work again.  Why?  Well I have an 18 and 16 year old still in school.  Both my parents are alive, and both of my grandmothers are alive.  I would feel guilty of just \'up and leaving\' not letting my parents or grandparents enjoy their grand-children, me included!  Plus our plan to be able to fully retire after I\'m 55 is going well, (that\'s 10 years from now).  Plus that also gives us time to get all the other things done thru the immigration circles so that my wife can come and go with hassles to the USA.  My parents are both 65, active and healthy as can be and never been hospitalized or ill, other than a common cold, so there is alot of \'fun\' to still be had.  That is why we snow-bird for now.

Now, my 18 and 16 year old live with my \'X\', but they come over all the time, and we\'ve maintained a great relationship, and they love being around their baby sister (21 months).  They won\'t say no to baby-sit, or help out around here, this is home #2.  Plus we\'ll all go as a group to my parents house, or to grandma\'s house.  No-one can pass up a coke and a oatmeal cookie!  ;D

I know we each have our own reasons to go.  I\'m not down-grading anyone for their thought process and actions.  I felt that it was best for my family to be together as much as possible.  The 18 year old just joined the USMC, so he\'ll be shipping out and start his own life, but he always knows where home is.

Semper Fi!

Mike J.

Rick

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Re: Problems leaving our children & moving to RP
« Reply #11 on: April 01, 2008, 08:01:23 AM »
     The wife and I waited until our kids were grown and out on their own. Actually our youngest
lives in our house in the US (helps him and us as we always have a place to stay when we return to
the states for a visit), after all he is going to inherit it anyway. The oldest has a bad habit of disappearing every few years andthen getting in contact when he needs help, the last time he moved to
PI in 2005, he now lives in Bacolod, saw him last Oct when we brought him to Legaspi for a visit, told
him then that I was now retired and there is no more money for him. So in my case leaving the kids
was easy, leaving the 7 yar old grandson was the hard one.

Rick


Offline steveinvisayas

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Re: Problems leaving our children & moving to RP
« Reply #12 on: April 01, 2008, 11:28:26 AM »
Yes It\'s the children and the grandchildren that make it so hard. Well there is No Rush.  Why not make the most of life in the US with the family who wants you there? I\'m probably older and ready to move on now. It\'s hard but it is right at this time.

I wish you well,

Steve
Steve Crawford
Damilag, Bukidnon

tommyc

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Re: Problems leaving our children & moving to RP
« Reply #13 on: April 01, 2008, 06:28:17 PM »
I really appreciate everyone\'s candor regarding leaving family behind and the guilt that is involved.  I am about to make the move.  I had children later in life and am now 57 with health issues that are certain to not allow me to see much of social security and have made the decision to do something \"for me.\"  It is really hard to draw a line in the sand and say now is the correct time.  I\'m sure most of us agree that parenting is a lifelong obligation but at what point is it \"ok\" to move on.  It is very easy to keep finding reasons to say just a few more years, one child will be done with this and the other will be done with that.  Both of my youngest daughters are now in college.  Their visits are very infrequent and most phone calls are \"I need\" type of calls.  At some point they need to learn how to live on their own and they will not do that until they are forced to.  I know I will certainly deal with some guilt for a while but nice to know I\'m not alone. 

Offline michael16136

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Re: Problems leaving our children & moving to RP
« Reply #14 on: April 01, 2008, 07:14:54 PM »
I\'m not sure that there\'s any real \"win-win\" scenario for most of us. On the one hand, if you leave and come here, there\'s always some residual guilt I suppose. On the other hand, if you forsake what you think make you happier and remain in place to satisfy an obligation, there\'s bound to be some resentment on your part, and a lot of wistful \"what if\" thoughts. I do agree though, that sooner or later, we all have to answer the question: \"When is it my turn to do what I think will make me happy, or at least happier?\" For some the answer is \"now,\" for some \"not yet,\" and for some \"never.\"