The things Filipinas sometimes say when chatting with other in their language

[trev.]

Presently we are in the U.S.A. We are staying at my wife sister's house for the time we are here. Her sister invited a group of her Fillipina friends for lunch.
So they eating and chatting none stop having a good time. I came out to say hi. Chattering slowed down. My wife looked at me and said they want to know if it's. okay to speak in tagalog because their other friends are not allowed to speak tagalog when their husbands are present.
Now i think that is very controlling and i would never even think of asking my wife to do that. I respect her 100% and she can speak in what ever language she wants. I think that shows insecurity and not trusting the wives.
What do you guys here think about this? Does it bother you if you do not understand what the girls are talking about?
Just curious.

[BudM]

I couldn't care less at what they are talking about.  I just wish they didn't talk so much.  Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak.

[JD]

I don't mind it when my wife and her friends are speaking in their dialect.

Menchu has told me before that there is a lot of embarrassment over their command of English. Being hearing impaired, it's usually hard for me to understand them when they do try their English anyway, so it's even worse for them because they think their speaking skills are so bad that I can't even understand!

The only problem I have is when I'm left out of decisions. Menchu sometimes forgets that I don't know what's being discussed and I feel blindsided when we're suddenly going somewhere or doing something that I don't know about.


JD

[iamjames]

I couldn't care less at what they are talking about.  I just wish they didn't talk so much.  Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak.

Exactly  It is a relaxation for the women to be allowed talk in their first language. Any man who does not like this is simply paranoid.

[Lee2]

James and others, just possibly the men have a feeling about their ladies and therefore may not fully trust them. I happen to understand enough Bisaya to know what a conversation is about and I am sometimes amazed at what comes out of some ladies mouths when they are talking to my wife.

I agree we all need to trust our ladies but maybe fully trusting some ladies might be a mistake in some circumstances.

[Art, just a re(tired) Fil-Am]

I couldn't care less at what they are talking about.  I just wish they didn't talk so much.  Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak.

I do understand our language spoken at home, but I'm fortunate, because my wife takes it outside after dinner! I mean she and her senior citizen friends hang out by the pool at our community clubhouse and yak, yak, yak, yak all they want for about 2 to 3 hours every other evening and sometimes every evening of the week, while I have my peace and quiet all to myself at home! She then comes home sleepy and tired after all that chit chatting and goes right straight to bed and conks out, while I watch TV with my headphones on so I don't interrupt her slumber! During the day is another matter!

[hitekcountry]

I couldn't care less at what they are talking about.  I just wish they didn't talk so much.  Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak.

Exactly  It is a relaxation for the women to be allowed talk in their first language. Any man who does not like this is simply paranoid.

For the most part I would agree but I’ll give two examples where one would feel differently.

I remember as a kid there were times when my father’s relatives or friends would come over for a visit and my father and mother and the company would be sitting around the kitchen table visiting. They would many times be talking in Ilocano and my mother being Caucasian didn’t understand a word of what was being spoken. She would later complain to my father that she felt it was rude that they would exclude her from most of the conversation. She felt that if she came to their house they could speak any language they chose but that in her house she should be shown the respect of being included in the conversation since she was sitting right there as part of the group. I would agree with that and it had nothing to do with being paranoid.

The other example was where I was in a different country and I was interested in looking at some real estate with the idea that I might buy a house and live there in that country. I was staying with a lady friend and we had made an appointment to see a real estate sales lady about seeing a house that we had seen advertised. It seemed to be very much what I was looking for.
 
I didn’t speak the language of that country but my lady friend who lived there all her life of course did. When we got to the Real Estate office we were invited in and sat down and the Real Estate lady and my lady friend began the Yakity Yak Yak for what seemed like a long time. And of course I don’t know what was being said. Then my Lady friend finally said "OK we can go now" and we got up and left to go back to the car. We’re in the car and I said “Ok we can now go see the property”. She says "no, the lady said it wouldn’t be right for us". Come to find out my lady friend had made a lot of assumptions that I didn’t know about. My intent was to buy this property on my own. She had made the assumption we were buying together. And the Real Estate lady apparently assumed most of the money was coming from the sale of my lady friend’s house and probably assumed I was some kind of leach in this transaction and decided to blow us off. I was just a little bit furious. If I had known what was being said I could have cleared things up quickly with just one word; CASH!!

[coleman2347]

That also happens to me here in the house...a huge long discussion....when I finally get it translated its not at all what I was thinking.  Its just part of dealing with a different culture.  Now if its a discussion about stuff affecting me or the family I try to get them to do it in English.  They have the capability of speaking English its just Waray Waray is easier..

[Gray Wolf]

I trust my wife completely.  I never worry about what she says when jabbering with her sisters of friends.  Here sisters, however, are guilty as sin of talking too much, especially in spreading gossip.  Gloria absolutely will not allow anyone to talk bad about me or our relationship.  I've actually witnessed her reprimanding a sister for speaking bad about me, which was a complete misunderstanding on the part of her sister.  Glo set her straight, quickly!

The worst thing I see is that the women, in general, spread gossip without any consideration of the truth.   My father in law compared them ducks "kwek, kwek, kwek!" he would say.  He would ignore most of what was being said, but had a keen ear for words spoken in haste or said with maliciousness.  He showed no hesitation in correcting his wife and daughters, and with a stern, commanding voice.  They would all immediately disperse and go back to doing something constructive.  He often told me, in her presence, that if Gloria got out of hand or if she treated me poorly, I should get a stick and smack her on the butt!  He always said it with a big grin, indicating that he would never raise his hand to any of them, but they never were quite sure if he would actually hold himself back so they respected his requests to stop gossiping.

I often sit among them when they chatter away, but have to leave after a few minutes because they suck up all the oxygen in the room with all of them talking at the same time.   

The only time I interject myself into a conversation is when it is something important to me, a family matter.  Then they speak in English, or at least translate what is being said by those who don't speak English.  I get my points across, with Gloria explaining to anyone who doesn't understand.  I lay down my own rules in the matter, insist on what I think should be done, then allow Gloria to handle the details. 

For the most part the women of my family, and in a larger part thewomen of the barangay, are full of hot air, jabbering away with no seeming intent other than to exercise their jaws and make noise.  It's no wonder the men avoid them during the day as much as possible and then spend the nights drinking themselves numb.  I've been guilty of doing the same, often purchasing the beer or gin so we can all have some peace.

[Lee2]

I am posting this from my personal experiences. My wife is an angel and has never said anything intentionally that she should not have said but has said some minor things in the past IMO due to her naivety, that probably should never be discussed with others.

I see a lot of you guys trust what your women say in their own language and from my personal experiences there is a difference between those ladies who have been brought back to your own countries and have been there for years and those who have never left the Philippines but have you ever taken the time to discuss with your lady things she should never say to others? I happen to understand some of the language and the times my wife has said things which gave me concern was when she had been talking in English to mutual friends and I of course have no way of knowing what might have been said in the past before I could figure out the gist of the conversation in Bisaya, yet my wife has always been open with me and has always discussed with me things that were talked about and she has never let anyone say anything bad about me that I know of.

So guys have you ever set the ground rules, such as no discussion of sex, money, relationships, things you keep around the house that others should probably not know about etc? Some things we take for granted but I can tell you from experience since we often hang out with a lot of other mixed couples and Filipino couples, both in the Philippines and in the US, that sometimes a few will say things that I can only pray that none of your ladies have ever said. Do not take for granted that nothing will ever be said, discuss it with your ladies and my advice would be to learn as much of the language as you can so you actually know what is going on around you.

[Gray Wolf]

So guys have you ever set the ground rules, such as no discussion of sex, money, relationships, things you keep around the house that others should probably not know about etc?

Yep, and she has expressed her own desires and needs as well.  As I said in a previous topic, I trust my wife completely.  It's not "blind" trust, it's based on 14 years of working together, having a basic understanding of each others culture and needs, and tons of love.

It's also my personal opinion, with no offense meant to anyone, that it depends greatly on how she was raised, her education level and her exposure to outside influences from foreign cultures.  Not saying in any way that my wife is "better" than anyone else, merely that she is from a good family with a strong work ethic, she is well educated and has many years, before and after our marriage, to outside foreign influences, both good and bad.  To her credit she has shunned the negative influences she's experienced and has exhibited very strong marital and religious faith.  I have no reason to believe she will change.  I trust her and she trusts me.  I try very hard to not do anything to erode that trust.

[iamjames]

So what if they discuss everything? I never feel I have anything to hide. Openness is always healthier in a society. One factor you may accept is that Filipinos have different sets of values. We are joining their culture - not vise versa. We have to learn to accept different values instead of imposing our sometimes warped and misguided values.

We sometimes view it as a sense of naivety or emotional immaturity because these people sometimes think in a different way or react in unexpected ways. Rather than try to 'correct' this maybe we should try to understand and accept this. 

There is only one thing we can know for a fact and that is there is no such thing as a fact.

[Lee2]

James and others, I believe there are some things that should be kept in the family, so to speak, such as, how much money the man has or gets monthly and what days it arrives, if they tell their friends or families, then it is a safe bet they might slip and tell someone who we might be better of if they did not know because that can lead to problems once it snowballs, then there is how many valuables and money etc is kept around the house and where. Every time I have read about an expat getting robbed and some even killed, I have wondered if it was a case of loose lips sinking those ships. In a country that can be very hard economically to many, some of us may not think much of having 10,000 or more pesos around the house, say when our monthly income come in but that is a fortune to many people who might even kill to get their hands on that, and then all the computers, cellphones, jewelry etc that no one really needs to know how much they cost.

I can only make a suggestion, it is up to you guys to decide if you wish your lives to be an open book. I always speak some of the language in front of guests so they hopefully know that I understand some of it, thus I am hoping they will watch what they say, that they would not wish me to hear.

[Art, just a re(tired) Fil-Am]

Yup! No matter what the language spoken, loose lips do sink ships!
So, listen intently what may be said over our shoulders or ask your
spouse or g/f what had been discussed within her gossip group!
Trust no one, because gossip spreads like wild fire! 

[coleman2347]

I agree with you guys, the only person here in the house that sets rules about what you can say is Maline, she has strongly urged me not to mention, even to family or close friends, our money, our business plans, or even things like planing on buying things for the house.  I always go along with her wishes as most times when I have not, I have regretted it. 
Communication is however sometimes a problem, for instance, her 18 yo brother lives with us, and we treat each other like father and son.  Last night he went to some function at the school and Maline had told me he would be home at 9pm, well at 10pm I awakened Maline and ask her to text him to come home he was late...I was kinda pissed because in our house, you do what you say your going to do. And we run on American time not Philippine time...come to find out, he had text ed her that after the function he was going to a friends birthday party and she just neglected to tell me...that kind of stuff and that sometimes she will not tell me things because she dont want me to worry is pretty much the only problem we have....