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Author Topic: Is Tampo A Bad Word or Is My First Pinay Relationship With A Crazy Person !!  (Read 26705 times)

Offline dragonsmack

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Dear Experienced pinay Relationship Members,
 
I have a question regarding the word tampo but first let me preface my question with a scenario that recently happened to me.
 
I am a 48 yr old American male who has been speaking with a 27 yr old lady from the Philippines.  I joined a dating site after following several forums and reading about life with a Filipino spouse.  I think I have a decent grasp on the advantages and disadvantages of being in a relationship with a pinay and have been fascinated with all the trials and tribulations one might encounter by taking on such endeavor.
 
So hear is my story:
 
Days 1 - 2   
I joined CB  and 100+ messages plus countless chat requests later,  one woman stood out amongst all the rest.  She has a college degree, lives on her own, no ex, no children and works in HR for what appears to be a well established business in Cebu             City.  Also, she appeared to be the only one that actually read my whole profile and sent me a thoughtful email. 
 
Day 3         
She gave me her name and phone number in the email she sent me on day 2 and I looked her up on Facebook.  She seemed legit with the typical photos of coworkers and friends.  I added her to my friends list.
 
Day 3 - 9   
We spoke every day for two to three hours on average.  Great conversations and her youthful enthusiasm rubbed off on me.  She also started to display the typical characteristics I have read about from those who are enjoying their marriages.  She is very caring, happy, concerned and the love word is now starting to surface.  She talks about how she will take such good care of me, how we will both work here in the US and someday save enough to buy some land and build a house in the Philippines.  She would also like to have 1 or 2 kids and raise some goats,  the typical happy family scenario.  I respect her greatly because she was adopted by a family and treated like a "slave" (her words) but put up with it because she wanted to graduate high school.  Once she graduated, she found a family that sponsored her through college in exchange for working at their house.  Now she has a decent career.  I am not going to lie, I am starting to dig this woman even though it seems like the relationship is moving blistering fast.
 
Day 10 - 14 
We decide to do face to face on Facebook through their video chat.  She is very sweet, laughs a lot and although probably not as "hot" as some guys would think, she is cute and her personality is making her more attractive every day.   We chat and hour before I go to work and a couple hours after.  She is always available to message or talk and even though she works 10 hour days, is never to tired to not be available when I ask.  I asked her one time what she was going to do after work and she replied she was going to the mall to buy some shoes.  She showed me a picture of them and out of the blue I told her I would like to buy her a pair.  She refused my request, saying they are much to expensive for me to spend my money.  I know I make quite a bit more than her so I thought that was quite admirable of her not to allow me to do it.
 
Day 15         
We are enjoying our usual video chat in the morning.  Her signal is kinda of intermittent so she runs to her place of business (only a few minutes away) so she can get a better signal and not keep dropping out.  I am teasing her because now she is sounding like a "wife" and "mother" at times, always telling me to get enough rest, drive safe, etc...  As we end our normal conversation she started saying she is going to miss me and to check in with her when I get to work.  I start joking and say I will call her next week, she gives me this look and asks  "When?" , I reply amusingly, "next week, I don't want you to get to hooked on me to soon (with a smile)".  Now she frowns and gets quiet so I ask her "Is this what Tampo is", and there goes the phone!!!!!  Then the video shuts off and I am thinking she just dropped it.
     
I messaged her and asked her where did she go and she answers "Just enjoy".  then she sends me " See you again next Thursday ".
This has totally thrown me for a loop so I said " I was just playing with you, but ok " and logged off.  I wasn't going down that road.
 
Now I am thinking ................  W T F Just Happened !!!!!
 
She went from 0 to nut job in 30 seconds.
 
I can hear her trying to call me again but never answer.  Needless to say, one hour and 62 messages later, with messages like she was being immature, she loves me but didn't know how to react so she panicked, she will not sleep until she can tell me she is sorry...................etc,

I log back on to  talk to he.  I explain I won't put up with that type of attitude and if she can't communicate this will not work and I am out of here.  She agrees and we have a pleasant conversation.  I told her she owes me a sexy photo and she sends me a fairly provocative picture (But she won't send me any nude ones !!) but she did the best she could do.
 
So my question is, is this at all normal?  Am I involved with a psycho ready to come out?  Is Tampo that bad of a word?  Am I overreacting?
 
I won't lie, I still like her but i am a little gun shy now........
 
Thanks,
Mr Never Say Tampo

Offline Lee2

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I have found that most Filipinos, even educated ones, do not seem to understand our slang or things we may think is funny in a joking way. She probably thought you were giving her the brush off since you would not tell her when you were going to call her, after you had already set a pattern of calling and or chatting as much as you did.

:) Happily married since 1994 & live part of the year in Cebu and the rest in S. Florida.

Offline suzukig1

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Not necessarily a bad word but the action of accusing her directly of her "bad" behavior.  (Yes, it was tampo.)

Offline jjcabgou

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I dont think it was the word at all.  When you said, I will call you next week, that immediately sent up red flags to her, and her defensive mechanisms kicked in full speed.    Filipinas fall easy, and are also weary of people played for a fool online.
and as we all know they do not have thick skin at all

Offline dragonsmack

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Growing up in New York, sarcasm is in our blood.  I will have to learn to temper it a bit.  Also, I told her I have never been in relationship with anyone from the Philippines so if I am being offensive let me know so I can correct it.  From everything I have read about their personalities, that will likely not happen though.

Offline copusmaximus

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hi dragon her actions and reactions is typical any and all philippinos male or female you or any foreigner can not joke even 1 little bit they take every word serious i too struggle with my gf on this im very sarcastic guy being from england/canada i joke alot but does not go over very well with the gf even after 2 years together it still causes tampo sometimes everyday . even after you explain your self your words and the joke they dont get over the tampo .if a fellow phipino says exact same thing but in tagalog its ok most of the time it seems just us effect them to go instant crazy one sec happy and next as mad as can be. lol it is how it is we need to adjust and hope we dont slip up relationships here are a lot of work on us so be ready they fall in love in seconds want kids and married asap . 

Offline Big daddy Ray

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Haha!..Dude!!...you are in for a long road of ...."trying to".."figure out the Filipina"!...can't do it....no man can figure out these ladies...they are just "different" from other cultures...I have been married to my loving wife for 7 years now...still can't figure her out sometimes...but with that being said...I know what "not to say"....sarcasm, as we know it,  is not understood in the Filipina mind...well .....any of the ones that are not really "westernized". You have to "choose" your words wisely and your actions...at least until you have known her a long time...Most "nice" Filipina's are old fashion...they will treat you like a king...but you have to be delicate in the way you handle them...if you treat them right and take care of them...you will receive that in return a 1000 times over....TAMPO...is only a Filipina term...it means she is maybe is not real pissed off at you but you said something she didn't expect you to say and it hurt her feelings...so she is "pouting"...and...it is not up to her to ask for forgiveness...it is your responsibility....you have to say your sorry and complement her VERY much...anyway you can....male "pride" doesn't have too much room in an American/Filipina relationship.....over time you will be able to communicate your sarcasm to her and she might get it...but she still won't like it.  A relationship with a Filipina that really loves you can be the best in the world...but you have to take the time to learn the culture and "their" ways of treating and understanding..men...I guess what I am trying to say is...don't let you male ego ruin a great relationship...you sometimes have to put your pride in your back pocket and tend to "her" feelings....it will go a long way...I am not saying let her "wear the pants in the family"...not by a long shot...she will expect you to be in charge and lead her down the right path...just be careful what you say and how you say it...after you "learn"...it will come second nature...they are NOT western women...they are very different creatures and have a different way of looking at things...you will be ok...you...as we all who have a relationship or married to a Filipina, have had to "learn" it...welcome to the club...hahaha!
Meeting the right person as your partner in life that laughs at your farts.... is a blessing!

Offline ABCDeVil

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Dear Experienced pinay Relationship Members,
 
I have a question regarding the word tampo but first let me preface my question with a scenario that recently happened to me.

Day 15         
We are enjoying our usual video chat in the morning.  Her signal is kinda of intermittent so she runs to her place of business (only a few minutes away) so she can get a better signal and not keep dropping out.  I am teasing her because now she is sounding like a "wife" and "mother" at times, always telling me to get enough rest, drive safe, etc...  As we end our normal conversation she started saying she is going to miss me and to check in with her when I get to work.  I start joking and say I will call her next week, she gives me this look and asks  "When?" , I reply amusingly, "next week, I don't want you to get to hooked on me to soon (with a smile)".  Now she frowns and gets quiet so I ask her "Is this what Tampo is", and there goes the phone!!!!!  Then the video shuts off and I am thinking she just dropped it.
     
I messaged her and asked her where did she go and she answers "Just enjoy".  then she sends me " See you again next Thursday ".
This has totally thrown me for a loop so I said " I was just playing with you, but ok " and logged off.  I wasn't going down that road.
 
Now I am thinking ................  W T F Just Happened !!!!!
 
She went from 0 to nut job in 30 seconds.
 
I can hear her trying to call me again but never answer.  Needless to say, one hour and 62 messages later, with messages like she was being immature, she loves me but didn't know how to react so she panicked, she will not sleep until she can tell me she is sorry...................etc,

I log back on to  talk to he.  I explain I won't put up with that type of attitude and if she can't communicate this will not work and I am out of here.  She agrees and we have a pleasant conversation.  I told her she owes me a sexy photo and she sends me a fairly provocative picture (But she won't send me any nude ones !!) but she did the best she could do.
 
So my question is, is this at all normal?  Am I involved with a psycho ready to come out?  Is Tampo that bad of a word?  Am I overreacting?
 
I won't lie, I still like her but i am a little gun shy now........
 
Thanks,
Mr Never Say Tampo

Hi Dragonsmack,

Well you have only been chatting for 15 days, so of course, because of the differences in cultures, you hit upon the right word "Tampo" for how she reacted.  Big daddy Ray said it well:
"she is "pouting"... " &
" "nice" Filipina's are old fashion...they will treat you like a king...but you have to be delicate in the way you handle them...if you treat them right and take care of them...you will receive that in return a 1000 times over"

For me, I have been married for 1 year, but have been together for 3.5 years. Over this time, my asawa has learnt how my sarcasm is and what most of the things mean. Even when I change my tone of voice, put a harsh look on my face, amongst other things I do when using sarcasm and joking. As sarcasm and joking are part & parcel of the Aussie way of things. We generally mean no harm, but in the beginning my asawa did not know but understands so much as time has passed. Woohoo, it is even great, when she gives it back, with a scowl or angry look on her face, but as yet, she still has not mastered how to make the smile/laugh disappear completely. Good on her for trying and getting better at it, hehehe.

When we first started, a very good friend of mine advised me of the following:
"She is younger, so with the right guidance and patients, you will have a great partner. With the wrong guidance & NO patients, you will get a psycho."

I have told my asawa this and she thanks her lucky stars, that I have been using the right guidance and patients, to help her grow & develop. So with that, we have a great relationship and are very happy.

Take care my friend. Tread a bit more carefully and make sure you let the young lady know, weather its her or another, what and when you are using sarcasm or joking, as they sometimes do take things to literally. Your initial actions/words will help to cement or ruin a relationship, for the long haul.

ABC

Offline Gray Wolf

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Bid Daddy Ray and ABCDevil said it perfectly. Filipinos are different creatures. Sarcasm does not go over well, even after years of being together. My wife Gloria and I have been together for almost 17 years and she still doesn't get or accept sarcasm. We have a wonderful relationship and I wouldn't trade our time together for anything. She has taught me as much as I've taught her. But it has been hard at times, especially in the beginning. You have to learn to put aside your sarcasm/jokes until you establish a good relationship, and even then must learn to be very careful with when and how much sarcasm you throw her way. It could completely destroy any feelings you share together.

Filipinos, male and female, are very passionate people. Guide that passion properly and you will be blessed in ways you have only imagined.

Start off by apologizing to her and explain, carefully, that it is due to you not understanding her culture, but that you very much want to build a loving relationship with her. Anything short of that and you may never regain her trust. Also allow her to say what she wants when you have that discussion. Listen to her carefully. Try to hear what her heart is saying. She been deeply hurt before. Don't be the next to hurt her.
Louisville, KY USA - Bagong Silang, Caloocan City, PH

Offline itsgalf

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Me: "Babe, I'm just joking"

Her: "Even jokes are half-truths"

Me: "...Except when I'm completely joking"

I've had my own share of "Ok. Enjoy" messages. Or the dreaded "Ewan ko sayo"

Offline Balisidar

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I've been married to my wife for almost 31 years and even now it's hard for her to recognize sarcasm.  Which is actually a pretty poor form of humor anyway. 
She can appreciate some gentle teasing and joking but even that has taken years and then to respond and tease back took time also.
I agree with earlier posters though to learn more about the culture and what is and is not acceptable behaviour.  But if you learn and then appreciate and apply that learning then the rewards are indeed worth it.
Then as you grow together maybe in a few years she will learn to not get defensive especially if she really knows that you are joking.

I'll say it again though.  Learn the culture, traditions, superstitions etc.  It will serve you well.

Offline medic3500

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Guess I got lucky, my GF was OFW for several years. She's tough as nails for the most part and can hand it out just as much as taking it. I think that is one reason we click.

Offline Hestecrefter

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I guess I got lucky too.

Much written here seems to suggest that western-style sarcasm will result in a display of tampo.  But tampo is not just aimed at sarcasm.  If can be for an offense taken for any slight, real or imagined.  Looking at another woman at the mall can produce tampo.  There is no exhaustive list of triggers of which I am aware.  They are numerous.

For as long as I have participated in forums such as this - 20 years or so - what usually gets said is said here.  Tampo is a time-honored part of Filipino culture, Filipinas have honed it to a fine art and we kanos must understand and accept it or suffer the consequences.  Not only must we understand and accept, but we must be solicitous - indeed obsequious - and relentless in our efforts to right our wrongful behavior.  It is we who have offended, who have failed abjectly in our pitiful efforts to bridge the cultural divide and penance must be served.  It would be hubris for a kano to think that a Filipina should learn about any western culture.  Theirs is the only one that counts and we must adapt.

Of course, tampo derives its vigor from an environment in which it is allowed to thrive.  From what I have observed in my time living in and visiting the Phils, it flourishes in large families that are sufficiently well off that it may be indulged.  If everyone is too much engaged in just trying to stay alive, tampo can languish.  But in a more ďnormalĒ milieu, we often see how the youngest in the family is the most spoiled and if not shown the right attitude, said youngest will enter a fit of tampo and the rest of the family will seek to get back in the good graces of bunso. 

I have been in 2 long-term relationships with Filipinas.  The first was the youngest of 4 kids in a fairly ordinary Filipino household.  But for sure, she was the favored one and if due deference was not shown, tampo would manifest itself and the kid glove treatment would ensue, to restore uquilibrium.  When I moved with her to the US and she got a job, she tried the tampo bit on co-workers.  They had no time for it.  They had not read on these forums that itís a revered part of a culture of greater antiquity and more meritorious than their own, so they refused to kowtow.  And do you know what?  Their world did not come to an end.  Rather, my Illocana learned that she, and not they, had to change.  In short - Iíll say it - she had to grow up.  Not to put too fine a point on it, tampo is simply a childish pouting that should not be tolerated in an adult.  But thatís not at all what we kanos are told.  We are told to embrace it, that it is a virtue to be sedulously fostered.  B.S.

As for my now wife of 15 years, by virtue of her provenance, she was denied her birthright to invoke tampo at will.  She was born to unmarried, very poor parents.  She was not wanted. She was a liability.  So she got passed around like a hot plate at a dinner party, among various family members, who would take her in from time to time. She was not allowed to go to school or to do more than be maid for all, to go beg in the streets and eat whatever scraps she was thrown.  So just how, pray tell, was she to cultivate a repertoire of tampo skills?  There was no one below her in the pecking order who could be expected to favorably respond.  I dare say that had she sought to exhibit the slightest tampo-esque trait, she would have been expelled and forfeited her little spot on the floor where she was allowed to sleep.  So she kept her own counsel and always looked to fly under the radar.  The lamentable upshot is that she is quite incapable of launching into a full-blown tampo.  Itís an essential skill she did not develop.  I suppose I could try to teach her.  Maybe I can find an online treatise ďA Primer on TampoĒ or some such.

So, in our home, with no ready ability to resort to tampo, my wife and I have had to fall back on that rather antiquated form of communication - discussion.  It gets things resolved with depressing alacrity.  I am missing all the fun of having to walk on eggshells for hours or days, wondering wtf just happened.


Offline iamjames

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 Not to put too fine a point on it, tampo is simply a childish pouting that should not be tolerated in an adult.  But thatís not at all what we kanos are told.  We are told to embrace it, that it is a virtue to be sedulously fostered.  B.S.


Agreed. I will not tolerate idiotic childish tampos at any time. Woman refuses to talk? Then get out and I will easily find one that will talk. I have only had to resort to that extreme once.

Offline JD

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Guess I got lucky, my GF was OFW for several years. She's tough as nails for the most part and can hand it out just as much as taking it. I think that is one reason we click.

My wife was an OFW for a while as well and had American boyfriends before me. Whip smart and as sarcastic as I am, she gives as well as she gets and understands most of my jokes.

Bless those who can hook up with a significant other from the provinces and make it work.

I call my wife "The General" and that she is, 110%. I would never have married a meek wall flower who is preoccupied with drama.