I know its my own fault
Don't get me wrong. I have no problem with the "herbals" in of themselves.
But running a
"grow room" on somebody else's nickel was not the best of life moves.
I have done some truly stupid sh_t in my life that I regret immensely. So I can empathize with you.
For me, the final solution was own up to it all and change the way
I perceived the world. That process took decades, and is still underway.
Some folks call that the
4th step.
If you wish long term residence here in the RP then working through this issue, if it is possible to do so, would be the road to walk.
Hope this helps.