Girl refuses to talk face-to-face

[clee]

So, my GF stood me up a few nights ago.  It's happened before, but this was the most blatant.   We video-chatted about 4pm and she seemed excited to meet.  She gets off at 9pm.  Nothing.  Didn't show up.  No communication from her.  Didn't answer text. Didn't answer my calls.  Turned off her data so she was unreachable via WhatsApp/Viber.  Completely disappeared.  I had no idea of what/where - anything..

The day after, via texting, she apologized without explanation.

Unfortunately, all of the above has happened before.  Maybe not this blatant, but she has disappeared with limited communication and poor explanations.  So, none of the above is weird.

Here's the weird part

I was angry and told her that texting was insufficient.  We needed to discuss this live (face-to-face).  As the day went on, she refused to meet face-to-face, and just kept escalating. It started simply with things like "It's not the right time to talk" and when I wouldn't budge, escalated to "I will kill myself if you force me to talk with you".  I offered to meet her at a coffee shop (instead of my place) because I thought it would de-escalate the situation.  It did not.  She kept repeating the threat to kill herself.  Refused to talk live. EVEN THOUGH it was in a public coffee spot?

 

I'm at a loss.  Please I don't need any help on the "standing me up" part.  I already know that's a problem, but at least, it's one I can understand.

If you can help me understand:
Why is she refusing to talk live face-to-face? 
Why is she threatening to kill herself for a coffee shop talk?

[Steve & Myrlita]

Sounds like a scammer. Sorry. BTW: Welcome to the forum.

[lost_in_samoa]

If you can help me understand:

Why is she refusing to talk live face-to-face?
 
Why is she threatening to kill herself for a coffee shop talk?

The short and skinny is you may never understand.  Or to use PC terminology .... "get closure".

I think Steve was pretty eloquent.

Do you think this sort of interaction is a solid foundation for a relationship?

[JoeLP]

I'm with Lost and Steve...she's probably a scammer. 

[jjcabgou]

So, my GF stood me up a few nights ago.  It's happened before, but this was the most blatant.   We video-chatted about 4pm and she seemed excited to meet.  She gets off at 9pm.  Nothing.  Didn't show up.  No communication from her.  Didn't answer text. Didn't answer my calls.  Turned off her data so she was unreachable via WhatsApp/Viber.  Completely disappeared.  I had no idea of what/where - anything..

The day after, via texting, she apologized without explanation.

Unfortunately, all of the above has happened before.  Maybe not this blatant, but she has disappeared with limited communication and poor explanations.  So, none of the above is weird.

Here's the weird part

I was angry and told her that texting was insufficient.  We needed to discuss this live (face-to-face).  As the day went on, she refused to meet face-to-face, and just kept escalating. It started simply with things like "It's not the right time to talk" and when I wouldn't budge, escalated to "I will kill myself if you force me to talk with you".  I offered to meet her at a coffee shop (instead of my place) because I thought it would de-escalate the situation.  It did not.  She kept repeating the threat to kill herself.  Refused to talk live. EVEN THOUGH it was in a public coffee spot?

 

I'm at a loss.  Please I don't need any help on the "standing me up" part.  I already know that's a problem, but at least, it's one I can understand.

If you can help me understand:
Why is she refusing to talk live face-to-face? 
Why is she threatening to kill herself for a coffee shop talk?

why would you bother to even try to maintain conversation, let alone a "relationship" with somebody like this?   Posts like this boggle my mind.     I am assuming you are not 15 years old, is this a correct assumption?   The admins could actually create a separate thread which could be similar to 'dear abby' .    The others are much more kind than I am and actually respond to these posts sincerely trying to help.   Whereas I need to pinch myself and say 'yes, these really are adults'

[MotorSarge]

Go out and meet someone in person, not on the internet. Lots of fish in the sea

[User444]

I met a lady like this online. Chatted online for a few weeks. Asked for a video chat. Nope! Communication stopped. She contacted me after 3 months and I asked for a video chat again. She didn't want to do that. She never asked for money. I did some googling and found her YouTube channel and it was the same person in the videos as her profile. I also found her facebook and email. Requested another video chat. Denied. I asked myself why I was chasing after someone who wouldn't give me the time of day. I had to let her go.

[M.C.A.]

Many of these women are married that's probably the real story and she's stuck with her husband and kids in a different area.

[codefreeze]

Huge red flag. Run away buddy, run away!

[clee]

All:  I get that she's hiding something (probably a boyfriend).  I also understand that this relationship is doomed.  This is in the realm of stuff I understand.  What I don't understand is the crazy escalation to suicide because I demanded a face-to-face.  If you have any insight to that, I would be appreciative.

Others that didn't read the post well enough to accurately understand:  We've been dating IRL for a few months.  This is not a internet only relationship.

[JoeLP]

All:  I get that she's hiding something (probably a boyfriend).  I also understand that this relationship is doomed.  This is in the realm of stuff I understand.  What I don't understand is the crazy escalation to suicide because I demanded a face-to-face.  If you have any insight to that, I would be appreciative.

Others that didn't read the post well enough to accurately understand:  We've been dating IRL for a few months.  This is not a internet only relationship.

I will say this as blunt as I can.  Not going to dig into the banter that is empty.
It's a tool. A tool I've seen used more than a few times since I moved here 6 years ago.  She's NOT going to kill herself.  She's more likely so sic her boyfriend on you than anything.  You were probably a target from the get to and she was seeking to take your money.  Make you feel bad for her.  Make you want to help her.  And she was hoping to get that help through financial means.
This is a very common thing in the Philippines.  My ex has a cousin living in Caloocan who mastered this going back into the 90's.  When the internet was first born.  She had a lot of online "boyfriends" who all wanted to be with her, help her.  She basically became her own con artist/pimp.
Some of these "boyfriends" did end up going to meet her in the Philippines.  She'd sleep with them.  Date them.  They'd by her new clothes.  New swimwear.  New stuff for her house.  She'd sleep with them for a week or so. And these same boyfriends would have already sent her money before they visited.  They'd send money after the visit.  Other boyfriends never showed up a day in the Philippines, but would send her money to help her "get along" in the rough life in the Philippines.  She actually set up a party hut in her house's yard, and would do her online "business transactions" from that so she looked like she was living in a poor hut.
When I was looking online for my girl I met more than a few of these.  They are poor and need money as to keep from being kicked out of her home.  Or her mother or uncle, or who knows what is sick and she needs money to help them.  I tell them I am coming to the Philippines in a week. Could she take me to the hospital this family member is at.  "Oh no...it isn't proper in the Philippines for me to take you, a stranger, to see family that are sick and maybe about to die."

I'm going to kill myself is very likely just an act.  Trying to get you to sympathize with her and give her money.  Sure, she didn't ask for it....but if you're offering, I promise you, she'll take it.

[User444]

Others that didn't read the post well enough to accurately understand:  We've been dating IRL for a few months.  This is not a internet only relationship.

It could be an extreme form of tampo. And her threat is just a figure of speech. The point in my post was to say that if a lady doesn’t value you enough for your time or want to work on a relationship now, it’s not going to get any better in the future. Since you’ve seen her in person, you can read body language, but this attitude of hers is not going to improve. Best of luck. We want you to succeed in a great relationship.

[suzukig1]

Sorry to say but if you actually have been seeing this person and then she all of a sudden makes "extreme" excuses that she can't see you for a while it's probably because another boyfriend is in town.  After he leaves she will be able to see you again.

[piozam13]

i feel it's time to look for a new one before she kills herself. 

[User444]

Clee posted this in the Relationship forum: nevermind.  all is well now.
« Last Edit: June 02, 2019, 07:04:43 AM by clee »